KELOWNA — While the Black Lives Matter movement has succeeded in getting charges laid against the four police officers who murdered George Floyd, increased scrutiny into the deaths of Regis Korchinski-Paquet and Breonna Taylor, and inspired widespread support for defunding and abolishing the police, representatives of the organization are devastated to lose the approval of married couple Dave and Cindy Hay from Kelowna who think “all this rioting is setting the Black community back”.
“I know we inspired Minneapolis City Council to commit to dismantling its police force in favour of a community-first model of public safety, but if Dave and Cindy think we protested the wrong way, was any of this worth it?” asked activist Alicia Moye. “Maybe we shouldn’t have prioritized dismantling prejudiced and violent systems of law enforcement over a middle-aged couple who get a bit racist when people graffiti statues.”
The Black Lives Matter Foundation has now committed to finding new forms of protest that will allow them to completely overturn and replace centuries old political systems built on oppression without, in the words of Dave, “rocking the boat too much”.
“If these protesters want progress, they’re not going to succeed by damaging national institutions,” said Dave of the Target that was burned down two weeks ago, “They’re going to succeed by impressing me, a centrist white man with no political authority”.
“Why can’t they be peaceful like Martin Luther King Jr.?” added Cindy, comparing recent protests in which unprovoked riot police beat, tear gassed and arrested protesters to Civil Rights era protests in which unprovoked riot police beat, tear gassed and arrested protesters. “He wouldn’t have stood for any of this civil disobedience”.
Activist Darnell Mallory assures critics that he and others will pivot to activism that suburban white couples will find easier to ignore: “We’re mostly looking at online campaigns like sharing a black square, #BlackLivesAndAlsoAllLivesMatter, and even taking a day off from posting to really reflect”.
Unfortunately, even these efforts may prove difficult, as edgy, amateur comedians around the world have risen up to ask why everything has to be so political these days.