FAIRFAX, VA – In light of the fact that this March marked the first month without a school shooting in the U.S. since 2002, the National Rifle Association released a statement claiming “Guns don’t kill people, schools being open kill people.”
“Seems like the only thing that changed from February to March was that kids weren’t allowed to go to school because of the pandemic, not an absence of guns,” said an NRA spokesperson. “Maybe the real killer is having these crook schools open 10 months of the year.”
In order to make-up for lost fundraising opportunities, the NRA has had to pivot away from exploiting school shootings to exploiting Americans’ fear of COVID-19.
“We make most of our money from riling people up after a tragedy to go out and buy more guns. After Sandy Hook, boy did our profits jump!” recounted an accountant for the group. “With a lack of kids dying, our organization has had to re-organize our priorities to focus on what consumers want right now. And funny enough, our consumers want even more guns.”
The non-profit has begun embracing the panic surrounding government mandated social-isolation orders, going so far as filing a federal lawsuit in order to reopen gun stores in New York, the epicentre of the virus.
The organization updated their website to cite their new mission: “At our core, we here at the NRA believe that at any moment society will collapse and Americans will require guns to combat each other for the last pieces of toilet paper available. Do not let Governor Cuomo close down our essential gun stores just because he just wants to hoard all the T.P. for his own ass.”
Many avid gun-rights activists have been emboldened by the NRA’s new focus. One Internet user @moreAKsthanWACO commented, “you can’t social distance me from my firearms that’s for damn sure.”
When pressed for comment, the NRA’s president proclaimed that, “It is unconstitutional to come between a gun association and its profits, shit, I mean an American and their right to defend themselves.”