CALGARY – Completely misreading his clientele, the owner of Nutter’s Sports Bar and Grill believes there will be high demand for the unremarkable items on his takeout menu.
Brad Furst’s 17th Avenue bar is known for multiple flat screens, a premium selection of Coors and Coors Lite, the defeated expressions on their scantily clad wait staff, and the bare minimum of effort put into the “Grill” portion of the name.
Despite Nutter’s track record of paper thin, freezer-burnt “hamburger” patties and soggy sub-McCain level fries, Furst confidently boasted on social media that they were eager and ready to offer Covid-compliant takeout to all their loyal customers: “Why go through all the bother of reheating frozen chicken wings when we can do it for you?”
“Sure, you loved coming to Nutters to watch the game, get drunk on cheap beer, and hang with your buddies. But we know the thing you loved most of all is the food we deep fry hours before you arrive,” said Furst. “Now you can enjoy your favorites from the comfort of your own couch and so much colder than it should ever be served!”
Furst promised to make every Nutters order as close to the in-bar experience as possible. “We can’t deliver alcohol, but our watered down Coke is still working. And every delivery includes one of our stained, sticky beer coasters and a bowl of picked-through nuts!”
Regular patron Brad Parker was going to place an order until he realized that he wasn’t so drunk that he didn’t care what went into his mouth. Frequent visitor and belligerent drunk Terry Knox was briefly eager to support Furst. “Not everyone can make Nachos, you know. You have to take corn chips, melt some cheese, open a jar of salsa…oh wait that IS easy!”
Exactly one customer ended up calling in. Janet Maine pronounced her experience absolutely authentic. “The Nutters Suicide Wingz were just as bland as I remember, and they even drew a heart on the receipt while charging me for jalapeno poppers I definitely did not order.”