VANCOUVER – Researchers at the University of British Columbia were found yammering incoherently after piercing the scientific veil and briefly seeing what lies beyond Beyond Meat.
The scientists, working out of the A&W Centre for Theoretical Food, had been studying the fundamental boundaries of meat when the breakthrough occurred. “The CTF was created in response to the public hunger for more meat alternatives,” said spokesperson Jared McKim. “We ventured out to push the envelope in terms of what’s possible, and apparently the envelope pushed back.”
Staff in the facility reported lights flickering outside testing room #7 before a “piercingly delectable” sound tore through the halls. When authorities finally broke down the door to the room they weren’t quite sure what to make of the scene within.
“Everyone was screaming, brandishing forks, and spraying condiments this way and that,” reported a first responder. “And the smell, it wasn’t meat, but it wasn’t not meat, either. It was horrifically appetizing.”
Several of the younger researchers had removed their clothing and were screaming about a “flavour that should never be tasted” and demanding their tongues be removed so they could never taste again. The entire staff is currently under observation at Vancouver General Hospital.
McKim announced that the CTF would be taking full responsibility for the incident and doing more to protect researchers in the future. “We now understand that there are certain boundaries that should not be crossed as we explore this great unknown landscape beyond meat. We will do our best to make sure that this great sacrifice will not be in vain.”
Despite the warnings and promises by the CTF, industry insiders have reported that Monsanto is close to releasing its Unknowable Burger.
