WASHINGTON, DC — After refusing to release the full Mueller Report for several weeks, Attorney General William Barr has cleared the report for public consumption, which states, “██████████ President Trump ██████ ██████████ ████ no ████ ██████ ██████████ collusion.”
Addressing the White House Press Corp, Barr was clear. “Special prosecutor Mueller’s report, based on his nearly two year investigation, clearly states that ‘Donald Trump █████ ███ no ██████ crime’. And I think it’s time for Americans to put this investigation behind them. Forever.”
Barr directed reporters to other key quotes from Mueller’s report, including:
– “Russia ██ █████ collusion ████ ██ ████ never”
– “Kushner ██ ████ very ██ █ ██ legal”
– “Pee Tape █████ ████ ██ not ███ ███ real”.
“It doesn’t get much clearer than that, folks,” added Barr confidently.
Barr went on to explain that, for national security reasons and to protect classified information, some limited sections of the Mueller report had to be redacted before release. This process required AG Barr to confer with the White House Counsel, the House GOP leadership, the Trump 2020 Campaign, Sean Hannity, Roger Stone, and Vladimir Putin.
“But rest assured, they were all very adamant the American people be fully informed that ‘Trump ███ ███ money laundering █████ █████ never ██ ██████.”
At press time, Robert Mueller has been locked inside a bathroom with a chair wedged under the handle.
