FORT MCMURRAY, AB – Protecting his prized possession from the harsh elements, local man Terrence McGillivery, has lovingly placed his chrome truck nuts, which he displays on the hitch of his 2016 black Dodge Ram 1500 during the summer months, into winter storage.
“I feel weird taking them off,” said McGillvery, who remarked that it felt like castrating his own truck and could almost hear it crying out in pain. “But I don’t want them to rust and get all dirty. Nobody likes a pair of dirty balls,” adding that there may be a notable exception in “your mother.”
McGillvery says the six pound swinging metal scrotum was originally purchased with the intent of letting passersby know that his inanimate vehicles is most definitely male. Engaging in a cleaning ritual that includes soap, water, polish and buffing, sources close to the 38-year-old oil patch worker say the metallic sex organs are then wrapped in plastic bubble wrap and tape and given an honest hug and a soulful kiss before being placed into a box marked “Truck Balls” to sit atop a shelf in the man’s garage, an almost sacred rite performed every year around this time.
At press time, McGillvery’s own testicles were still pathetically small.
