WASHINGTON, D.C. – Following massive cyber-attacks which disrupted web traffic across the United States Friday, the masturbators across the world are bracing for the worst. US President Barack Obama has declared a state of emergency as millions have taken to brick-and-mortar adult video stores to stock up on emergency supplies in preparation for a future attack on the national streaming porn infrastructure. Governors in four states have already called in their National Guards to manage the miles long queues of panicked wankers outside porn retailers.
“I’ve got to prepare for the worst,” said Buffalo resident Russ Wilkos while exiting Uncle Lex’s Sex Emporium with several bags of adult DVDs and VHS tapes. “And if that means going back to analog porn for a few days, so be it.”
Obama has already promised a probe into the disruptions, which targeted New Hampshire-based DNS provider Dyn Inc. and brought down many of the world’s most popular websites.
“I will remind the public how lucky we are these DDoS attacks only affected non-essential web services like Twitter, Reddit, and the New York Times,” said Obama while addressing the media from the White House Rose Garden. “We must remain vigilant, lest we leave ourselves vulnerable where they can harm us the most. Because next time they may come after our Brazzers’, PornHubs, and XHamsters.”
Other world leaders condemned the senseless acts that will cause frustration and grief for tens of millions of innocent wankers.
“We will not allow the hackers responsible to attack the freedoms we hold most dear,” German Chancellor Angela Merkel. “Specifically, the freedom to stimulate our own genitals for sexual pleasure with the aid of high-quality internet pornography.”
Despite the US government’s promised investigation, millions of every-day masturbators were shaken to learn the fragility of the internet networks on which they rely.
“These coordinated DDoS attacks should give internet users pause,” said Steve Grossman, Chief Technology Officer at startup IntelGuardianOne. “Particularly the millions who rely on pornography websites for their daily orgsams.”
“One more large-scale crash like this, and we may as well be masturbating in the Dark Ages.”
Since Friday’s attacks, the sales of nudey magazines, Victorian-era erotic photography, and other obsolete modes of pornographic media have increased to their highest levels since 1994. While those over-30 are expected to adapt their behaviours to fit the limitations of non-digital porn, millennial masturbators are expected to be the hardest hit.
“I can see myself jacking-off to this for a few days,” said 25-year old Cleveland resident Jake Falcione in reference to the MILF Fever magazine he just purchased. “But if the blackout lasts any longer, may God have mercy on our souls.”
