TORONTO – Causing a ruckus from the basement of Temple Street Productions where the myriad clones of Tatiana Maslany are kept for the award-winning series Orphan Black, 5 clones of the actress are currently fighting over who gets to keep the Best Actress Emmy statue they collectively won.
“I’m the series’ principal clone,” said the clone of Tatiana Maslany who plays Sarah in her working-class English accent that was programmed into her speech patterns from within her natal pod after the series was given the green light.
“It follows my character and her daughter. That’s what makes her special. That’s why people watch.”
“That Emmy is mine,” said the clone who plays Rachel, the hard-nosed corporate titan in her cold, emotionless tone that she has been forced by genetic engineering to perform.
“I’m like my character. And what the Tatiana Maslany who plays Rachel wants, the Tatiana Maslany who plays Rachel gets.”
According to sources, the clone that plays Alison, the high-strung suburbanite, has started a neighbourhood petition to support her case and would be going door-to-door if she was allowed to leave the property, while the Tatiana Maslany who plays Cosima, the brainy, dreadlocked scientists, says she has created an algorithm that analyzes screen time performance over audience reaction and has proved she deserves the statue.
“I will cut you!” said the genuinely disturbed and abused Tatiana Maslany who plays Helen in her ominous, Ukrainian accent rattling the bars of her cage from a dark corner deep within the production company’s bowels.
When asked why Temple Street and BBC America chose to clone their actresses rather than use tried-and-true special effects, a representative responded by saying, “this is Canadian TV, we simply didn’t have the budget.”
