VEVEY, SWITZERLAND – In a statement from Nestle headquarters, Chairman Peter Brabeck-Letmathe has accused the general public of discriminatory behaviour towards the corporation’s acts of pure evil.
“I speak not only of the recent reaction to our aggressive draining of water sources in drought-stricken Ontario and BC,” Brabeck-Letmathe explained. “But a larger pattern of prejudicial words and activity that oppose our action-movie levels of villainy.”
“Every time we’re labelled ‘thieves’ or ‘criminals’ or ‘literal murderers’, they make us embarrassed about who we are,” he added.
The multinational food and drink company says they began to notice a bias against their malevolence as early as the 1990s, when the public began shaming them for providing free baby formula to mothers long enough for the infants to grow dependent on it, whereupon they began charging for the product. The corporation says this was the beginning of a pattern of unfair villainy discrimination that has now lasted for decades.
From anger about the company’s use of human trafficking and child labour, to public outcry against its pollution record, Nestle says the company has been the target of bullying and gaslighting.
“We have not been allowed to be ourselves,” lamented CEO Paul Bulcke as he lowered an investigative reporter into a vat of rattlesnakes. “The other day, someone shouted the slur ‘monstrous maniac’ at me, just because I was force feeding him hundred dollar bills until he choked on them. I love being rich, but our net worth will never make the negative voices go away.”
Bulcke then called in his assistant, and threw scalding-hot coffee on him for no reason. “You see,” he continued, indicating his assistant’s screams. “Everyone reacts unfairly, even our own employees.”
In 2015, Brabeck-Letmathe famously said that water was not a human right; a quote he says was taken out of context: “When I said water was not a human right, I meant that only for poor people. It’s like, if I said ‘I want to kill every animal on the planet’–which I desperately want to do, staring into the eyes of each one as I take its life with my own bare hands–people would recoil from me.”
He sighed, and tearfully concluded, “Truly, we have felt oppression, and we demand that we be allowed our freedom to crush this pitiful world.”
Following the statement, Nestle took to the internet in efforts to get several hashtags trending, including #CorporateLivesMatter, #ChooseOurWater, and #CrushAllDissenters
