HOLLYWOOD – Following a hack and leak of nude photos of comedic actress Leslie Jones, Hollywood studios have announced a 35-film deal to feature Jones in remakes of every single movie that the online trolls enjoyed during their formative years.
“First up, Leslie Jones will star in a remake of geek favourite Back to the Future, playing both Marty McFly and Doc Brown” enthused legendary producer Steven Spielberg. “Whether this remake turns out to be good or bad is beside the point – the goal is simply to cause internet creeps to completely melt down.”
Spielberg added, “Before, these losers thought Hollywood was remaking movies to attack them personally. We weren’t, but now we definitely are.”
The unprecedented multi-franchise contract has seen an agreement reached between every major film studio, all in the name of “sticking it to online manbabies everywhere.” Next on the slate Jones will receive multi-million dollar paydays to star in remakes of The Goonies, Die Hard, Top Gun, and Big Trouble in Little China.
In order to choose which movies Jones would remake, Hollywood studios analyzed the favourite films of “alt-right” commentators, Twitter trolls, and self-proclaimed “race realists”. These favourite films were then ranked according to their ability to “make hateful basement-dwelling weiners scream with impotent rage.”
With production already underway on multiple projects, Hollywood insiders are already excited for the results. “How did we never think to remake Beverly Hills Cop with Leslie Jones – she’s absolutely killing it in this,” exclaimed Paramount Pictures CEO Brad Grey. “But more importantly, we’re pissing off a bunch of anonymous racists who’ve tied their entire personal identities to some movies they liked when they were little boys.”
“So it’s a win-win.”
One of Jones’ upcoming films, a remake of The Terminator set to be released Christmas Day, 2017, will see Jones play the T-1000 on a mission to save Joan Conner (played by Melissa McCarthy). Jones will reportedly adopt a thick Schwarzenegger impression as she says famous lines like ‘I’m coming right back’ and ‘Come with me if you want to swim’.
Asked whether he was worried about a backlash to casting Jones in multiple reboots, including Raiders of the Lost Ark, Highlander, and even a new remake of Jones’ 2016 remake of Ghostbusters, Spielberg remained unfazed. “They’re just movie remakes – the originals aren’t going anywhere. We trust that fans who aren’t jerks will remain calm, while the actual jerks will lose their goddamn minds.”
Reached on set for comment, an effusive Leslie Jones replied, “The name’s Bond – Jane Bond. Suck it trolls!”
Following the announcement that Leslie Jones would be cast as the new Batman, the websites 4Chan, 8Chan, and Reddit have all crashed.
