MILTON, ON – Gifted tooter Josh Bibby expressed displeasure today at his inability to find a “nice girl,” despite his painstakingly-honed ability to fart on command.
“I’ve tried online dating, going to the supermarket and squeezing oranges, even pretending to read at Starbucks,” confessed the 37-year-old, perpetually single IBM project manager and Big Brother volunteer. “Everything starts out fine, and then, for some reason, it falls apart when I try to seal the deal and impress her with my secret weapon: the farting.”
Bibby’s friends and acquaintances speculate that the hapless romantic’s troubles stem from downplaying other, more traditionally well-regarded, skills in favour of his farting abilities. According to his college friends, Bibby was always considered a charmer, but had ongoing difficulty with the fairer sex.
“The guy’s a polymath,” said Ricky Blinkin, one of Bibby’s best friends. “He can play tenor sax, speak Portuguese and ride unicycles. There are so many other qualities he could use to impress girls. Why focus on the farts?”
“The whole thing stinks,” he added.
“On paper he’s the perfect guy,” said Christine Bartlett, who went on a single date with Bibby. “He’s smart, kind, funny, a good listener – all qualities I look for in a partner. But at the end of the night we’re at his place and he starts lighting candles. I thought it was really romantic until I realized it was to blunt the smell of the fart-storm I would soon endure. It was a deal-breaker, though I have to admit he’s quite talented.”
Bibby’s ability to emit bursts of methane from his anus at will is enhanced by the fact that he can vary pitch, amplitude, length, and, perhaps most impressive, the tremolo of his flappy butt songs.
“It’s nuts,” said his long-time mentor, Mike “Anal Crypt” Beaton. “When I started training Josh, he could produce a handful of farts at best before the smell overpowered him. The ‘Wettie,’ The ‘Ladyfart’; there was no doubt that he had his basics down. But after training for just a couple of months, suddenly he’s pulling off ‘Widowmakers,’ ‘Barn-busters,’ even the room-clearing ‘Manfartten Project,’ which I have never even attempted. Truly, the master has become the student.”
“He’s taking the craft to the next stinky butt-fart level,” added Beaton.
Bibby’s mother, Anita Bibby, described the talent as “one in a million,” and compared Bibby’s vast talents to that of Mozart or Van Gogh. “Those guys were using tools to make their art, but my boy uses what God gave him,” said Anita. “Even a dancer needs shoes and a costume. Joshua just needs his asshole, and enough beans to create a foundation.“
However, despite his popularity at frat parties, bawdy comedy shows, and his reign as three-time champion of the Milton talent contest, Bibby is still unable to find a suitable female partner.
“It feels like I’m just out there, farting into the wind sometimes,” Bibby said. “I guess all I can do is focus on my craft and hope one day my butt-burps will win me a bride.”
