TORONTO, ON ― Describing it as “not entirely tasteless” and “at least as relevant to Tim Hortons as pizza, clothing, credit cards, or the spaceships they will probably announce soon,” reviewers o…
Tag: Tim Hortons
New Tim Hortons pizza made with 100% Canadian cardboard
OAKVILLE, ON – Heralding its new offerings as the culmination of nine years of intense laboratory research, Tim Hortons president Axel Schwan proudly announced that the franchise’s new line…
7 facts about Pierre Poilievre that probably aren’t true but we refused to be briefed on the actual situation
Even though Pierre Poilievre has been leader of the opposition for a while now there is still so much we don’t know about him. And we were outraged to discover these 7 almost certainly not …
Ford unsure if he should sell Ontario healthcare system to Loblaws, Tim Hortons, or Nestlé
QUEEN’S PARK – As Premier Doug Ford announces that he will expand surgeries available at for-profit clinics, insiders report he is still deciding which megacorporation to eventually sell On…
Swiss Chalet, Durex team up for Chalet Sauce flavoured lube
TORONTO – Recipe Unlimited Corporation, the owners of Swiss Chalet, have announced a collaboration with sex accessories corporation Durex that will finally see the release of Chalet Sauce f…
Hockey Canada board resigns in deference to real victims: Tim Hortons, Nike and Canadian Tire
TORONTO – Hockey Canada’s CEO and board of directors have resigned and finally acknowledged the true victims of a long ordeal that has damaged the sport’s reputation – its corporate s…
Tim Hortons somehow more reputable than Hockey Canada
TORONTO – The nation was stunned and confused this week after the actions taken by two pillars of Canadian society resulted in the disorienting feeling that Tim Hortons is now a more reputa…
Experts debate who is faster: Connor McDavid or The Sponsors fleeing Hockey Canada
TORONTO – For years Connor McDavid has been seen as the fastest force in hockey but now insiders are wondering whether he has been bested by a new competitor: the sponsors getting away from…
Tim Hortons announces plan to branch out into coffee, doughnut markets
OAKVILLE, ON ― In the face of stiff competition, Tim Hortons, the iconic Brazilian chili, ice cream, and TimBieb-brand clothing chain, announced a revolutionary plan to turn their focus to classi…
Roll up the Rim is back and so is the threat of nuclear winter!
VANCOUVER, BC – Canadians are in for a treat this week with the return of two beloved national pastimes: Tim Horton’s Roll up the Rim contest – and also worrying about the devastating outco…
