MONTREAL – As Canadians face another scorching hot summer, Coppertone has announced a new extra-potent sunscreen line that banishes the sun back behind the hills and mountains from which it dares…
Tag: Sun
“The fury of Ra washes over us, and only through sacrifice can He be appeased,” Environment Canada reports
OTTAWA – Lo, the heavens tremble and punish man for his hubris with a calamitous wave of scorching heat capable of rendering our souls from our body and casting them into the shadows of the Duat,…
British Empire begs Sun to set on it
LONDON — As a record-setting heat wave sets Europe ablaze, the UK has reported its hottest day-time temperature ever recorded, leading many of its inhabitants to cry out at the sky pleading for …
Deadbeat sun thinks it can just come back after all this time
VANCOUVER — Across the city Spring has begun unfolding in all the predictable ways; flowers blooming, jackets shrinking, and The Sun, that deadbeat asshole, sneaking back into our lives expecting…
4th layer of sunscreen slathered onto child wearing hat, sunglasses and welder’s mask
ST ANDREWS, NB – Three-year-old Gillian O’Shea was successfully coated in a fourth layer of sunscreen today before her family’s trip to the beach, “just to be safe,” according to her fathe…
Hungover robin wishes humans would shut the fuck up
Trenton, ON – After coming home late following a drunken evening with friends, a hungover Robin wished the humans talking loudly below his tree branch would shut the fuck up. “I met t…
Woman with rare genetic disorder can only regulate her body temperature by complaining about the heat
VANCOUVER – As temperatures continue to remain high over large sections of Canada, Vancouverite Cheryl McCloud is keeping cool the only way she can: complaining. “It’s not that I enjoy comp…
Aides look on aghast as Donald Trump stares directly at the sun for thirty minutes
STERLING, VA – The forty-fifth president of the United States spent thirty minutes staring directly into the sun today on the putting green of the eighth hole of the Trump National Golf Clu…