VANCOUVER – No official outdoor Canucks viewing parties will be held in Vancouver during the NHL playoffs, prompting angry fans to make due by drunkenly smashing their own possessions. “I have fo…
Tag: hockey
NHL to expand to every city in North America except Quebec City
NEW YORK CITY – The NHL has announced that every single metropolitan area with a population of at least 100,000 people in North America will soon be getting an NHL team, with the small exce…
10 names for Utah’s new NHL team even less representative of the state than Jazz
The NHL is set to unveil Salt Lake City, Utah as the next home of the Arizona Coyotes and everyone is wondering “what will the team name be?” Well since the New Orleans Jazz moved to …
NHL player declared legally dead before trade deadline expects to be ready for Playoffs
LAS VEGAS – Golden Knights player Connor Holmdenberg has announced he will be ready to play in Game 1 of the upcoming Stanley Cup Playoffs, despite the fact that he (and his 6.7 million dol…
What top NHL trade targets will cost the Leafs versus what they will cost every other team
The NHL trade deadline is fast approaching. And Beaverton sports has got you covered with the top available players, broken down by what they will cost 31 of the league’s teams, and then ho…
Auston Matthews vows to work on his “pass to a guy who passes to a guy who scores” skills so he can finally deserve MVP
LAS VEGAS – Fresh off scoring 51 goals in 54 games Leafs centre Auston Matthews has announced that he has heard the criticism and will immediately devote his time and effort to developing h…
Fake hockey fan able to enjoy his team signing good players without conducting armchair salary cap analysis
TORONTO – After his team signed one of their best players to a long term contract extension, casual fan Matt Christenson celebrated without even performing his own detailed analysis of how …
“Counting games in hand we’re only the 2nd worst team in the East,” says Sens fan who picked them to make Conference Finals
OTTAWA – Having earned only 22 points the Ottawa Senators are last in the eastern conference standings. But given their games in hand they’re actually only second worst, as Sens fans …
Leafs fake injury to star rookie goaltender to save 750k on the Cap
TORONTO – The Toronto Maple Leafs plan to circumvent the NHL’s Salary Cap continued again last night, with the team staging an obviously fake injury to Joseph Woll in order to save on…
Tortorella convenes press conference to talk about how much he hates press conferences
PHILADELPHIA – Following the Philadelphia Flyers’ morning skate, coach John Tortorella held a press conference to detail his hatred for press conferences. “I asked you all to come her…
