5 Concerned Children’s Advertisers commercials that still give you nightmares even as you rapidly approach middle age

If you were a child in the 90s who spent a lot of time watching television (so basically 100% of children in the 90s), you probably still remember that feeling when Ninja Turtles, Reboot or Road …

Police claim bigger budget would allow them to do a much better job at hiding their mistakes

Your City, Your Country – The local police have requested a bigger budget next year in order to help cover up the mistakes they are making. “The current budget simply doesn’t make it possib…

Man who hates Toronto worried Olivia Chow will ruin it

Oshawa, ON – Ever since Olivia Chow was sworn in as Toronto’s mayor local Durham resident and avowed Toronto hater Sean Buffett has repeatedly expressed his concerns that her leadersh…

Report: Killer Whales actively preparing to bring down a plane

VANCOUVER – Cetologists at the Canadian Institute for Marine Biology Defence have observed an unsettling new trend in the behaviour of killer whales; preparing to attack an airplane and fea…

Canadians looking for entertainment during actors’ strike desperate enough to briefly consider CBC Gem

TORONTO – The Screen Actors Guild has joined the Writer’s Guild of America in striking, halting the vast majority of Hollywood’s output and leaving Canadians so desperate for entertainment that e…

Bettman vows to build a whole new city in Arizona if he has to

PHOENIX, AZ – After numerous cities have voted against supporting the construction of a new arena for the Arizona Coyotes, a defiant Gary Bettman stated his intention to found an entirely n…

Marineland announces “Chuck A Toaster In There” Day

NIAGARA, ON – Marineland Canada is proud to announce that it will host “Chuck A Toaster In There” Day, where guests are invited to murder animals at rates normally reserved for the pa…

So-called “centrist” doesn’t even know how to pronounce Pierre Poilievre

Ottawa, Ontario – Self-proclaimed political centrist DougieLove4514 recently admitted he couldn’t even pronounce Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre’s name. “I wouldn’t say I belong …

Minister Ahmed Hussen fixes housing prices by knocking $20 off his newest rental property

OTTAWA – Federal Housing Minister Ahmed Hussen has announced an end to Canada’s housing affordability crisis after reducing the rent on his latest income property by twenty whole dollars. “…

One man show plays to one man audience

TORONTO – This Friday’s performance of local independent thespian Grant Issac’s one man Fringe show The Dollarama Dialogues was attended by one audience member. The play sees Issac perform …