KANSAS CITY, KS – Across the United States conservative commentators have uncovered a plot by pop megastar Taylor Swift, along with her current boyfriend, Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce, to trick unwitting American citizens into watching football games.
“This conspiracy goes all the way to the top,” insisted arch-conservative pundit Tucker Carlson. “Taylor Swift, in league with Travis Kelce, Joe Biden, the NFL, Kamala Harris, Bud Light, and probably storybook reading drag queens, have all conspired to bamboozle freedom-loving Americans into doing something they would otherwise never do – watch televised football games.”
Carlson continued, speaking from his daily show that is currently streaming from whatever platform will still employ him, “This diabolically woke master plan to deceive the American people is so simple and obvious that I don’t even need to explain it, which I absolutely could do, if I felt like it, which I don’t.”
Republican pundits have long insisted that Swift and Kelce’s courtship is a government psyop aimed at boosting the re-election chances of President Biden, but now they have additionally become convinced that it is intended to increase NFL viewership by rigging the outcome of the Super Bowl. “I mean, the NFL clearly needs the ratings help,” exclaimed far right commentator Jack Posobiec. “The Super Bowl has barely even been the highest rated TV broadcast every year for the past decade. Losers!”
Former GOP primary candidate Vivek Ramaswamy has also chimed in with accusations. “This so-called relationship between Ms. Swift and Mr. Kelce is completely suspicious,” breathlessly explained Ramaswamy during the 60 seconds a day when Donald Trump allows him to speak. “Why would she date Kelce? Besides the fact that he’s got two Super Bowl rings and was the fastest tight end in NFL history to record 8,000 career yards, he’s barely even a good football player! Clearly a Democrat plot!”
“Real Americans don’t care about things like attractive popstars, celebrity gossip, and Monday Night Football,” explained sentient pile of compost Steve Bannon on one of his three daily podcasts, “they care about normal things like Hunter Biden’s laptop, and examining the genitals of teenagers who want to play sports.”
Throughout the nation, particularly online, Republican voters echoed accusations that Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce’s highly-publicized relationship was clearly an elaborate ploy to trick them into watching football.
“Taylor’s fiendish scheme won’t work on me,” exclaimed Mervin Braverman, of Tuscon. “Like all good Americans I’ll be boycotting the Super Bowl, and instead kicking back to watch some CFL off-season coverage, followed by a Dean Cain movie and listening to Lee Greenwood’s ‘Proud To Be An American’ on endless repeat.”
“Swift has blue eyes, Aryan blonde hair, and controls a nationwide movement of fanatical followers, so if she’s not playing for our team it must be an NFL plot,” noted avowed neo-nazi Alex Jacksman, of Oregon.
“I don’t understand what the big deal is about Taylor Swift anyway,” explained Todd Greaves of Mobile, Alabama. “Ever since she released Folklore and dropped her multicolored, psychedelic Lover-era aesthetic in favor of a more cottage-core, flannel vibe, I’ve been like, ‘Taylor who?’”
At press time former president Donald Trump posted on his Truth Social website “Jesus, you freaks, take it down a notch.”