Local man fired for accidentally dressing like a pirate
HALIFAX – The unfortunate coincidence of laundry day with casual friday has left local man Derek Hines out of work and unwittingly dressed as a buccaneer. “I didn’t really have any clean cl…
Werner Herzog signs on to direct The Hangover pt. IV
LOS ANGELES – Despite being known as a documentarian and art-house cinema producer, German filmmaker Werner Herzog has signed on to direct the latest installment of the Hangover franchise. …
Uncle Ben’s white rice confuses local racist
ETOBICOKE – Six weeks ago, 56-year old racist Stan Youngson became puzzled by a bag of Uncle Ben’s White Rice at a local No Frills, and has been struggling with it ever since. “I just can’t…
Study: Every child who cheated at NHL 94 now a hardened criminal
BURNABY, BC – A new study by Simon Fraser university has revealed that all children who constantly relied on well known but impossible to stop cheats to win at NHL 94 have turned into dange…
Bev Oda teams up with Mike Duffy for one last big score
OTTAWA – Sources indicate Mike Duffy has finally managed to convince Bev Oda to execute one final daring heist before giving up crime for good. “C’mon, Bev, I’ve got this all planned down t…
NSA Thinks You Should E-Mail Your Mother More Often
WASHINGTON – Following the disclosure of their secret surveillance program, PRISM, sources inside the NSA have expressed concern that you’re not e-mailing your mother enough. “Your mother s…
Rob Ford stays up all night preparing this week’s gaffe
TORONTO – Sources inside city hall have revealed that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford spent the entirety of Sunday night and early morning Monday meticulously planning his next highly anticipated pu…
Local atheist converted by hot Jehovah’s Witness
REGINA – Despite having spent most of his life professing his antipathy for Abrahamic religions and staunchly denying the existence of any sort of deity, yesterday local atheist Hank Tremb…
Author sucked into own novel wishes he was better at writing women
COUNTY OF UNDISCOVERED, ONTARIO – After being magically trapped inside his latest novel, author Kyle Rapoport maligned his inability to properly write and develop female characters. “At fir…
