World Vision to throw in free poor child if you sponsor 5 or more goats
Monrovia, CA – One of the world’s largest christian aid programs is offering its donors the free gift of an impoverished child when you adopt 5 or more goats for his or her village. “We are…
Local jewish man drives Hummer 3 blocks to celebrate miraculous oil conservation
THORNHILL – When Samuel Rosen’s mother guilt-tripped him into attending the last night of Hanukkah, he reluctantly got into his Hummer and drove the 256 metres to her house. Asked by his mildly e…
Study: If young people want jobs, they should just be middle-aged
VICTORIA, BC – A recent study by the Baby Boom Institute has confirmed that the only obstacle facing young people who seek employment is their own refusal to be middle-aged people. “Our res…
Local man creates world peace by flipping Risk board
Bancroft, ON – After hours of strife and heartache, Milton Meagher put an end to senseless slaughter of lives and global total warfare by flipping the Risk board upon which he and his warlord co…
Pretentious stereotypes in Arcade Fire force audiences to dress up as pretentious stereotypes
MONTREAL – In a move designed to break down the wall between performers and their audience, the hipster clichés in Arcade Fire have announced that their fans will have to dress up as hipste…
Kinky vegan wants to be treated like a piece of meat-flavoured tofu
VANCOUVER – Hanna Morency, 37-years-old, has a fantasy to be sexually humiliated and degraded to the point of being morally equal to processed soy that imitates but not quite duplicates une…
University of Guelph: The Beaverton University Reviews
Name: University of Guelph Nickname: Ol’ MacDonald had a University. Motto: “We take field trips literally” History: Well shoot, if it ain’t a whole pack of university-bound rascals lookin’ for s…
YouTube Commenter mourns the loss of his freedom to anonymously post “PENIS”
Bismarck, ND – Jason Friedman was shaken by the discovery that his hard-earned freedom to post inflammatory comments under an assumed name had been revoked by YouTube. Friedman, the troll f…
University of British Columbia: The Beaverton University Reviews
Name: University of British Columbia Nickname: Ol’ Oh God Maybe This Earthquake Will Turn Out To Be The Big One Motto: ‘I’ve got some psilocybin, you’ve got some woods behind your house, what are…
Americans celebrate National Consumer Stampede Day
Richmond, VA – Embracing their capitalist roots, Americans have kicked off National Consumer Stampede Day with frenzied riots at department stores across the country. Thousands of people wa…
