Healthiest option in office vending machine is Doritos
EDMONTON – A scientific survey of the available foodstuffs in your office vending machine has found that the most nutritious food item on offer is Doritos. “At first we thought, what could …
Harper calls for doctor-assisted suicide of Supreme Court justices
OTTAWA – After a Supreme Court ruling that will permit doctor-assisted suicide for terminally ill patients, Stephen Harper has agreed and will first start with the Supreme Court justices. “…
Serial killer just 200 victims away from being national hero
IRAQ – Personally and individually responsible for the painful deaths of more than a hundred human beings, Sgt. Jeff Grenner is over a third of the way to being a national hero. “I never go…
Conservatives introduce new cabinet minister, Mungo
OTTAWA – Shortly after the resignation of Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird, the Harper government has introduced his seven-foot-eight, 482-pound successor, the Honourable Mungo. “Haurrgh…
Terrorists applaud anti-terror legislation for eroding much-hated freedom
OTTAWA – Militant Islamic groups from around the world have applauded Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s recently passed anti-terror legislation for chipping away at the Western-democ…
Canada Post replaces community mailboxes with single, massive country mailbox
THOMPSON – All Canadians will now be required to pick up their mail at a giant community mailbox located just outside of Thompson, Manitoba, Canada Post reports. Canada’s new and only mailb…
John Baird resigns as foreign minister to spend more time stopping progress at home
OTTAWA – Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird surprised reporters yesterday by announcing that he would be leaving his post in order to spend his time preventing development and change in hi…
Child dying from measles just glad he isn’t autistic
TORONTO – Quarantined in his hospital room after contracting a fatal case of measles, little Timothy Bartlet told reporters how glad he was that his parents opted not to vaccinate for fear …
Harper Lee’s ‘To Cook a Mockingbird’ due out in July
NEW YORK – 55 years after the release of American author Harper Lee’s Pulitzer Prize-winning hunting guide To Kill a Mockingbird, the long-awaited sequel To Cook a Mockingbird will debut in…
Men’s Right groups protest removal of penis-shaped map at Downsview bus station
TORONTO – After TTC officials took down a penis-shaped map of the bus terminal at Downsview station, members of the National Coalition of Men announced a sit-in to protest the continuing war on p…
