MONTREAL — In what will be a tremendous task of removing thousands of community mailboxes, Canada Post has hired former members of Quebec’s defunct separatist paramilitary group to destroy them.
“The new government promised to restore home delivery, but we already have over 10,000 community mailboxes in locations all across Canada,” explained Canada Post CEO Deepak Chopera. “We had to consult experts in removing mailboxes and there was no better people than a bunch of angry radicals who led a campaign in destroying them in the 1960s.”
Charles Vallieres, a 72-year-old retired member of the FLQ’s St. Denis cell, was more than happy to help Canada Post destroy community mailboxes calling them a symbol of Anglo-Saxon imperialism that strangles the Quebec identity and the worker’s struggle to get home delivery.
“We will first start with Westmount!” exclaimed the aging radical who blew up scores of statues and mailboxes during his tenure as a member of the group responsible for the October Crisis. “These boxes are a barrier to our inevitable overthrow of the Quebec government to establish a socialist utopia. Plus, I have to walk 50 meters from my house to get the mail now. That’s just not fair!”
Vallieres had also demanded that “Quebec Libre” was spray painted onto all of Canada Post’s delivery trucks and that every Quebecker receive an FLQ manifesto he wrote, but his request was denied.