CANADA – With All Hallows’ Eve approaching and 100 new moons having passed since her last engagement with the blood demon Vasnarskabb, Globe and Mail columnist Margaret Wente has renewed her lease on eternal, cursed life.
“It’s funny how these things sneak up you,” said Wente, known for her necromantic prowess and controversial stances on many social issues. “I suppose time loses its meaning when you’ve lived for 700 years of pure malice.”
Wente, whose death-miasma became uncontrollable in the past week, has now spent several days gathering the desecrated artifacts needed for her ritual, as well as continuing to write questionable editorials on racial and gender politics.
“It’s getting harder and harder to find an intact copy of the Liber Daemonica these years,” Wente said. “That’s what Kathleen Wynne’s Liberals don’t want you to know.”
Wente went on to say the ritual would be easier to perform if she had access to a vestal virgin, but that with the way young women were dressing these days, she wasn’t holding out much hope.
In spite of this, Wente, whose writing was criticized as reactionary even in 15th century Germany, assured members of the press that the transaction shouldn’t be any more problematic than her own personal views on terrorism and mental health.
“It’s great working with Margaret, she’s always on top of her game with these contracts,” said Vasnarskabb, timeless entity of carnage from Hell’s seventh circle. “She can be a bit intimidating though. Really fire and brimstone, if you know what I mean.”
At press time, the worst part was that Wente sometimes made halfway decent points.