Update: Parent who made half-assed attempt to discipline child has gone back to looking at their phone
PICKERING, ON – In an update to an earlier situation, local parent Sandra MacLean has returned to experimenting with filters on her phone after making a half-hearted attempt at disciplining…
Declining attendance leads Catholic Church to perform ‘ambush baptisms’
VATICAN CITY – In an effort to combat plummeting Catholic numbers, Pope Francis has okayed a program of ‘ambush baptisms’ to boost the church’s membership. “Let’s face it, between Vatican I…
Local woman pushing to meet work/life balance targets by Q2
TORONTO — Local business analyst Sandra Young reportedly has her nose to the grindstone this month in an attempt to hit her target work/life balance ratio of 60:40 by Q2. Young, whose curre…
Kingston renamed Queen’s University Theme Park
KINGSTON – After years of struggling to hold Queen’s unending stream of young, white, and wealthy students accountable for disrespecting the city, Mayor Bryan Paterson surrendered today and…
Liam Neeson to star in film featuring Canadian man taking vengeance on cell phone company
TORONTO – Liam Neeson will star in a Taken-inspired action film centered around a Canadian man who seeks vengeance on his cell phone provider who charged him over $200. After reluctantly ag…
Worldly sophisticate follows soccer
TORONTO – Eric Bromley, a learned internationalist who clearly holds himself too sophisticated for such parochial pursuits as hockey or basketball, settled down to enjoy an English Premier …
Government announces plans to make ‘O Canada’ deity neutral
OTTAWA – Following recent changes to make the national anthem gender neutral, the Liberal government is taking things one step further by also making the anthem applicable to a variety of gods. T…
Rebel Media asks viewers to place retirement savings into ‘Rebel Ponzi Scheme’
TORONTO – Controversial media website The Rebel has unveiled a new investment opportunity for its viewers: Canada’s first conservative-only ponzi scheme. The “Rebel Freedom Scam” promises s…
Citing distinct identity, 7 Bloc Quebecois MPs announce intention to separate from rest of party
OTTAWA – Claiming that leader Martine Ouellet does not respect their unique position within the Bloc Quebecois Party, 7 out of 10 Bloc MPs have chosen to leave. Tension has been building fo…
New security clearance policy requires Jared Kushner to hold hands with secret service agent at all times
WASHINGTON D.C. – White House Chief of Staff John Kelly has officially announced that Jared Kushner will only be granted security clearance if he promises to hold the hand of the secret service a…
