Summer camp proprietor really hoping these unexplained axe murders blow over

HALIBURTON, ON – With the body count of attractive teenage victims rising, local summer camp proprietor, Mel Heinman, 57, told reporters yesterday he really hopes all these unexplained axe-…

How can Cristiano Ronaldo be the greatest footballer of all time when he’s never won a Super Bowl?

EDITORIAL by Your High School Football Coach, Mr. Hapsfield I’ve been a fan of the great sport of football for my entire life, and lately a bunch of people are talking about this Cristiano Ronald…

Study: Anglo Canadian culture revealed just to be a series of brand loyalties

Hamilton, ON- A decade long study at McMaster University has found what many anthropologists have long suspected: that the sole feature of Anglo Canadian culture is identifying with certain brand…

Police smash car window to rescue overheated dad still waiting for family to emerge from local mall

BURNABY, BC – Local authorities are once again reminding shoppers of the danger of leaving anyone in a hot car after police were forced to smash a window to rescue local father Dan Coolidge…

England demands referendum on World Cup semi-final results

LONDON – The British government is proposing yet another referendum, this time on whether to accept the results of the semi-final match between England and Croatia. Proponents of the refere…

Doug Ford replaces sex-ed curriculum with old copy of Playboy found in woods

TORONTO — Premier Ford announced today that he will scrap the 2015 Sex-Ed curriculum introduced by the Liberals, in favour of a stack of well-worn porno left for students to discover in the…

Pro-Brexit ministers do second smaller Brexit from Parliament

LONDON – Several pro-Brexit Secretaries in the British government have shockingly announced their intentions to stage another “mini Brexit”, this time from their duties in Parliament. Forei…

Trump rescues separated immigrant children with jobs at Mar-a-Lago

PALM BEACH, FL – In a surprise contradiction to his conservative border policy, U.S. President Donald J. Trump has instructed law enforcement to release immigrant children that ICE had sepa…

Budget cuts: Ontario unveils DIY school repair program for students

TORONTO – The Ontario PC government is calling on elementary and high school students to learn valuable construction skills since his government recently cut the $100 million school repair …

Nation’s retail sales associates just want you to know “That’s a GREAT colour on you, hun!”

OTTAWA, ON – As summer quickly descends upon us, prompting the need for crop tops and breathable fabrics, the nation’s retail sales associates have banded together to make sure you know tha…