Tim Hortons egg sandwich now official sponsor of Premier Ford’s pandemic press conferences
TORONTO – Tim Hortons and the Ontario government have signed a sponsorship deal to promote the chain’s egg sandwich and other items at provincial press conference related to the pandemic. P…
Family in silent pact to ignore dog’s obvious erection
LETHBRIDGE, AB – Reports indicate that the Miller family’s board game night has been interrupted by their English bulldog Snoodles, who has a glaringly obvious erection no one wants to acknowledg…
“You can only trust your family!” says mother who doesn’t trust her children
PENTICTON, BC – Local mother Zeinab Mohajer has left her children dumbfounded by telling them they can only trust family after years of repeatedly showing her distrust for them. Reports ind…
Refs throw penalty flag at The Weeknd
TAMPA BAY, FL – Mistaking The Weeknd’s performance for a Kansas City Chiefs player, Super Bowl referees have penalized the half-time performer. The Canadian singer was mistaken likely…
Local Woman’s Exes All On Same Tree-Planting Trip
KELOWNA, BC – 28-year old Torontonian Poncy Robins thought her tree-planting trip to BC was the perfect escape from the weariness of the second COVID lockdown, only to find upon arrival tha…
Overrated Super Bowl quarterbacks haven’t even won a single Grey Cup
TAMPA BAY, FL – This year’s so-called “Super” Bowl will feature Tom Brady and Patrick Mahomes, two quarterbacks who are somehow considered elite talents despite having never once competed for the…
Local transphobe who never attends women’s sports suddenly concerned about women’s sports
LONDON, ON – After US President Biden issued an Executive Order banning gender identity discrimination in sports, local transphobic man James Martin reports becoming worried about women’s s…
As Google threatens to leave Australia, AskJeeves rebrands as “What’s the John Dory, Jeevo”
CANBERRA, AU – As a result of the ongoing dispute between Google and the Australian government over the News Media Bargaining Code, formerly defunct search engine AskJeeves re-emerged on th…
Move over, sourdough! There’s a new culinary trend in lockdown – bathtub wine!
With Ontario now in its second lockdown of the COVID-19 pandemic, the popularity of homemade sourdough has fallen just as quickly as our loaves rose (sometimes). But no need to fret. There is a n…
The Golden Globes celebrate Hollywood’s best and brightest bribers
This past Wednesday, the Hollywood Foreign Press released their hotly anticipated nominations for the 2021 Golden Globe awards. After delays due to the global pandemic, the nominations were final…
