COVID-19 variants eager to represent their countries at the Tokyo Olympics
TOKYO, JAPAN ― Variants of SARS-COV-2 hailing from countries around the world are gearing up for the 2021 Summer Olympics. “Man, I hope they don’t postpone the Olympics again,” commented the Sout…
Trudeau clarifies that Saudi Arabia isn’t an ally, just an acquaintance we sell a fuckton of weapons to
OTTAWA – In the wake of US Intelligence concluding that Saudi Arabian Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman was personally involved in the murder of Jamal Khashoggi, Prime Minister Trudeau clari…
Number of Astrology apps on woman’s phone reaches critical mass
BURNABY, BC – A local woman’s interest in her natal chart recently turned dangerous when the number of astrology apps on her phone reached critical mass. Skye Davis, 23, reported recently t…
Rock collectors line up at Mount Etna for latest product release
CATANIA – Following the announcement that Mount Etna, the Sicilian stratovolcano, has erupted again in a dazzling show of light and lava, rock collectors from around the world are clamberin…
Local woman apologizes for apologizing
WINNIPEG – Amanda Santos, a Senior Associate Consultant from downtown Winnipeg apologized during a meeting last week, then when she realized she apologized, she apologized again. Santos had…
Trudeau pledges to vaccinate at least eight more people by end of September
OTTAWA – Amid outcries from the public and members of the health industry, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has now committed to the mass vaccination of almost 10 whole Canadians by the beginning of…
Man forced to move after house fills with too many good boxes
CHATHAM – Lewis White was forced to move after his house filled up with too many boxes that he deemed worth saving. White had been collecting boxes for years but once the pandemic hit and …
Oh no! I learned my attachment style and it’s Clippy from Microsoft Word
I had been struggling with relationships for a while. No matter how hard I’ve tried or how detached I’ve tried to be, those I’ve loved have left me or I’ve pushed them away. That’s when someone c…
Opinion: How do we know for certain that the yellow snow isn’t lemonade?
BY CAMERON BUCKET Hear me out: I was strolling through the park, on one of my daily walks, when I passed a snow bank covered in yellow stains. Common sense told me not to eat the yellow snow. But…
Canada approves another vaccine that you won’t get for like six months
OTTAWA – The Canadian government is pleased to announce that Health Canada has approved AstraZeneca’s COVID-19 vaccine, yet another vaccine that most Canadians won’t have access…
