Andrea Horwath announces bold plan to never, ever, ever become premier
TORONTO – Ontario NDP leader Andrea Horwath announced that she would oppose mandatory COVID vaccinations for teachers, yet another plank in her expansive new plan to never become Ontario’s …
Vancouver offers Stanley Park coyotes one jogger a year as tribute
VANCOUVER – Acknowledging the failure of typical animal control measures to quell a spate of violent coyote attacks over the last few months in Stanley Park, the City of Vancouver has decid…
Delta variant excited to vote for Maxime Bernier
North Bay, ON – While making a pre-election tour in communities as far away from non-white Canadians as possible, Maxime Bernier gained an early endorsement when the Covid Delta variant exp…
Report: Canada just one big American shell corporation
PARIS, FR – After decades of research and investigation forensic accountants have determined that Canada, originally named 33256 Ltd, has been operating as a shell corporation for the congr…
Alberta’s children too young to get vaccinated excited to be part of experiment’s control group
EDMONTON – Alberta’s children too young to be vaccinated expressed excitement after the government announced a new, province-wide study of what would happen if all COVID-19 public health me…
Generations of selective breeding produce this fucking asshole
News in Photos…
Meet the unvaccinated: This 33 year old mom is a real fucking idiot
With about 10% of the population saying they will not get vaccinated against the deadly COVID-19 virus, we here at The Beaverton have decided to follow every other media outlet in Canada and do o…
James Cameron finishes filming Avatar 4 before realizing he never made Avatar 2 or 3
LOS ANGELES – James Cameron has announced he has finished filming Avatar 4 right after realizing he never made Avatar 2 or Avatar 3. “I cannot wait for everyone to see what I have in store …
Arthur series to end with fan requested “Death of DW” episode
Eldwood City, Pennsylvania – After 25 seasons, the animated children’s series Arthur is finally coming to an end with an ending producers insist “fans will love.” “After 25 seasons, we’ve d…
