Toronto in chaos as combination Condo/A&W/Weed Stores gain sentience, overrun city

TORONTO – The downtown area is in complete chaos as Torontonians flee for their lives after the city’s omnipresent condos, A&W franchises, and marijuana dispensaries somehow coalesced …

Life coach benches client

CALGARY – Scouts report that life coach Tom Duggan is replacing his client, Simon Pike, after Pike turned in an incredibly underwhelming performance during the first half of his life. “Simon, I r…

Kyle Rittenhouse verdict celebrated by future Kyle Rittenhouses

KENOSHA, WIS – Kyle Rittenhouse, the defendant who was 17-years-old in 2020 when he crossed state lines with a rifle and shot three people, killing two, was found not guilty on all charges …

Terrorist murderer found not guilty by jury of his peers

KENOSHA, Wis. – Terrorist murderers breathed a sigh of relief today upon the news that a jury composed of twelve terrorism and murder sympathizers found terrorist murderer Kyle Rittenhouse …

COVID booster shots approved for all sheeple and government simps over 18

OTTAWA – A third booster shot of the COVID-19 vaccine has been approved by Health Canada for use on all sheeple and government simps over the age of 18. “At this time the booster is recomme…

Ajax unveils new slogan ‘Not fucking Pickering, that’s for damn sure’

AJAX – Ajax mayor Shaun Collier announced in a press conference today that Ajax has changed its town motto to ‘Not Fucking Pickering, That’s For Damn Sure’. The new slogan replaces Ajax’s o…

PMO casually inquires how many oil tankers could sail through flooded parts of BC

OTTAWA – With large parts of British Columbia still underwater due to climate change-related rainfall, the Prime Minister’s Office has offered condolences and also lowkey asked whether oil …

B.C. Public Safety Minister clarifies that title is ceremonial, like “Princess” or “Birthday Boy”

VICTORIA – After yet another disaster during which the provincial government left crucial public safety decisions up to a patchwork of small municipalities, the B.C. Minister of Public Safe…

Nickelodeon launching new kids show “That’s Problematic!”

NEW YORK – Leading Nickelodeon’s fall lineup is a new kids show, “That’s Problematic!” The show presents and addresses a myriad of issues that were accepted uncritically by previous generat…

True crime podcasters running out of ways to segue from life-ruining event to mattress commercial

WINNIPEG – Hosts of the smash-hit podcast “A Murder Most Un-Lit” have become mired in one of the most common foibles of true crime fame – the struggle to naturally segue from the rete…