Republicans celebrate anniversary of insurrection by leaving AR-15s under their pillows in hopes for a visit from the big fat man

Washington, DC – January 6th, 2022 marks one year since Donald Trump supporters stormed the Capitol building, rioting after Trump lost the 2020 election to Joe Biden. To celebrate, Republic…

Study: 80% of boomer advice just ‘suck it up buttercup’

HALIFAX – A recent study revealed that 80% of boomer advice is just the phrase “Suck it up, Buttercup.” Conducted over the last five years, the study found that the advice was applied no ma…

Kids returning to their virtual school classrooms find them smaller than they remembered

TORONTO – Wistful and nostalgic students returning to virtual school across the country were surprised to find their old classrooms were smaller than they seemed in previous years. “Man, th…

Sunwing criticized for not making emergency release of drunken, maskless passengers at 35,000 feet

MONTREAL – Federal officials have blasted Sunwing airlines for not making an emergency release of its unruly and maskless passengers on a chartered flight from Montreal to Cancun. The trave…

Local cellphone loves lying about how much battery is left

KITIMAT, BC – A cellphone owned by local Elaine Jorgensen takes great delight in deceiving its owner in how much battery power remains by shutting off at the worst time possible, regardless…

Ford: This was a hard decision that we refused to make until the very last minute

TORONTO – After cancelling school classes for another two weeks less than two days before they were set to resume, Ontario Premier Doug Ford said it was a very difficult decision he could h…

Hockey fan called a hero after noticing Habs are bad at hockey

MONTREAL – A quick-thinking hockey fan is being praised as a hero after informing the Montreal Canadiens that the team is bad at playing hockey. Long-time Habs fan Patrick Martin quickly no…

Workplace reminds you mental health comes first unless it impedes productivity

MONTREAL – Earlier this week tech start-up Fraggle sent a company-wide email reminding employees that mental health always comes first unless it impedes their productivity or makes their co…

Italian doctors recommend drinking seven glasses of pasta water each day

MILAN – A public service announcement released by the Policlinico of Milan hospital today reminded people that despite the cold weather of the winter months, they should remember to keep ad…

God announces long awaited Golden Girls reunion special

HEAVEN – After years of speculation from fans, God announced today the highly anticipated Golden Girls reunion special is now available for subscribers of Heaven. “We’ve been wa…