Gym teacher joins class game of dodgeball instead of going to therapy

RED DEER, AB – A class game of dodgeball at West Valley Elementary School was rocked this past Thursday when the gym teacher decided to vent his frustrations by joining in the game. Student…

Study finds sugar linked to having zest for life

OTTAWA – Health Canada released a years long comprehensive study linking sugar with having a zest for life. This unprecedented report revealed the group who got to eat something sweet with …

HBO celebrates 15 years of everyone insisting YOU HAVE GOT TO WATCH THE WIRE!

NEW YORK – HBO is celebrating the twentieth anniversary of The Wire’s debut, and the fifteenth anniversary of people finding out that oh my god you haven’t seen The Wire? Like, any of it?? …

Guy who fucking hates wetlands really stoked about election outcome

CALEDON, ON – Public reaction to this week’s provincial election results has been mixed, save for one local man who is thrilled to watch the slow decimation of Ontario’s wetlands. “I couldn…

Citizens who needed instruction on how to wear a mask trusted to do own COVID tests

OTTAWA – In response to growing COVID-19 case numbers, Public Health Officials clarified that Canadians who have needed regular directions on how to properly wear a mask will continue to be…

Strung out province comes crawling back to Dealer for another hit

TORONTO – After swearing they were done with him and everything he offers, the province of Ontario has come crawling back to its dealer for another taste. “Hey man! You holding any hi…

Ontario NDP, Liberals celebrate defeating each other

TORONTO – Ontario NDP Leader Andrea Horwath and Liberal Leader Steven Del Duca celebrated the defeat of each others parties in the 2022 Ontario election. As results were reported last night…

Coffee shop employee ominously begins setting up microphone

LETHBRIDGE – According to sources embedded in The Bean Machine, all of the coffee shop’s patrons groaned when they saw an employee open a cupboard and remove a microphone stand. “I figured she wa…

“I’m really nervous about the November midterms” says Ontarian unaware of today’s election

BURLINGTON, ON – Local data engineer Chris Chen has spent weeks insisting to friends how worried he is about the upcoming US midterm elections, all without ever acknowledging the Ontario pr…

Jury rules wife beater is bigger celebrity than beaten wife

FAIRFAX, VA – At the Fairfax County Circuit Courthouse a jury has reached a verdict: that known wife beater Johnny Depp is indeed more famous than Amber Heard, his beaten ex-wife. “This ver…