Loblaws credits record profits to “raising prices on things humans need to live”

BRAMPTON, ON – Loblaw Companies Ltd.’s fourth-quarter results beat analysts’ expectations, which executives credit to the grocery giant’s corporate strategy of “gouging people f…

Medical Experts admit there is no cure for hiccups

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – After years of denial, the global community of medical professionals has finally admitted that they have no scientifically based method to alleviate a case of the hicc…

Bleeding mouth man declares salt and vinegar chips are the best

WINDSOR ON – Through slightly bleeding gums and a raw tongue, Jarrod Pumpfrey declared that salt and vinegar chips are definitely the best chip flavour in the world. Pumpfrey has always see…

Doug Ford’s niece announces theme of her Sweet 16 will be Urban Development Opportunities

TORONTO – Marcella Ford, niece of Ontario Premier Doug Ford, has announced that her upcoming Sweet 16 Birthday Party will have the theme of Urban Development Opportunities. “A lot of …

Health inspector fired for being a picky eater

MONCTON – Officials announced Monday that local health inspector Burt Beynolds has been let go from his position as city health inspector for judging restaurants according to his particular prefe…

Changed O Canada lyrics received with understanding and nuance by nation’s trolls

OTTAWA — Singer Jully Black’s rendition of O Canada at the NBA All-Star game, in which she changed the lyric to “Our home on Native land,” was overwhelmingly and universally well received by the …

Pierre Poilievre wishes traitorous dictator who hates the country he is PM of would stop being so divisive

OTTAWA – Leader of the opposition Pierre Poilievre is calling on “left-wing scrum” Justin Trudeau to stop dividing Canadians on political lines. “Canadians don’t nee…

QUIZ: Is it a pyramid scheme or just a regular cult?

We’ve all been there. That woman you took one-and-a-half courses with in college slides into your DMs after over a decade of silence with a message starting with “hey girlie!” Now that COVID’s “o…

Newfoundland finally updates name to Oldfoundland

OLDFOUNDLAND AND LABRADOR ― In a move being described by millions of Canadian pedants as “about time,” Newfoundland is relinquishing its hold on its increasingly inaccurate name to become Oldfoun…

In order to retire average Canadian will need to set aside 100% of income every month

OTTAWA – A new survey by BMO financial group has concluded that Canadians will need approximately $1.7M saved in order to retire, a figure to achieve which a Canadian earning an average inc…