STANDING ROCK, ND — The Army Corp of Engineers has announced they will deny permits for the Dakota Access Pipeline, representing a victory for the Standing Rock protesters and a lone bright…
U.S.
America is great again, so local man going to shit wherever he feels like it
OHIO – With thousands of Americans using the election of Donald Trump to justify the most atrocious kinds of behaviour, local man Derek Jensen says he now feels fully justified in defecatin…
America hopes famous actors are half as good at fighting real Nazis as they are fake ones
D.C. – As America’s emboldened Neo-Nazis emerge from the shadows, many of its citizens are turning to familiar faces to save them, Hollywood actors. “When it comes down to it, I’m not much …
Electoral College should vote Clinton, says man who would die first in ensuing civil war
CLEVELAND – The Electoral College should vote for Hillary Clinton on December 19th, says local man Eric Stoneleigh, who will be senselessly killed in the early hours of December 20th, if th…
President Obama pardons thanksgiving turkey instead of mentally handicapped death row inmate
This is the 8th consecutive year President Obama made the controversial choice.…
Report: Trump University most flawed college since Electoral College
NEW YORK – A recent review of American schools has revealed some damning details about Trump University and the Electoral College, ranking them second-to-last and last, respectively, among …
Trump explodes
NYC – At approximately 11:30 am this morning, celebrity, businessperson, and president-elect Donald Trump exploded. “It’s really very unfortunate,” said Melania Trump, the future First Lady. “He’…
Trump strategist Bannon claims anti-semitism charges against him are just a global Zionist conspiracy
WASHINGTON, D.C. – After being appointed President-elect Trump’s chief advisor, equal in power to the chief of staff, Breitbart News chairman Steve Bannon is claiming that the anti-semitism…
With election over, Gary Johnson planning much needed family-vacation to Aleppo
TAOS, NM — In the wake of a long and difficult US presidential election, the failed Libertarian Party nominee, Gary Johnson, has announced that he finally has “a pretty good idea of what an…
The Donald Trump apocalypse begins
In this special preview of The Beaverton‘s first episode, Emma Hunter and Miguel Rivas provide complete coverage of the 2016 Presidential election. Donald Trump has won the Presidenc…
