TORONTO – Disaster was narrowly avoided yesterday after a sinkhole opened up under the Pan Am stadium during track and field finals, a tragedy that could have been even worse had anybody be…
Sports
PAN AM UPDATE: CANADA WINS GREEN IN WATER HOCKEY
TORONTO – After a breathtaking match against Suriname, the Canadian water hockey team has surged to victory, claiming Canada’s first green ribbon in the 2015 Pan Am Games. “We went out ther…
Pan Am Games rebrands as ‘World Cup’ to boost interest
TORONTO—Just two weeks before the opening of the 2015 Pan American games in Toronto, organizers have unveiled a new marketing strategy designed to generate greater interest in the games by re-nam…
Triple Crown won by two guys in horse costume
NEW YORK – Following their come-from-behind victory at the Belmont stakes, the coveted Triple Crown has been won by two men pretending to be a 3-year-old thoroughbred. “It all started when …
World Cup stadium labourer in Qatar wishes he could also resign
DOHA – Following the resignation of FIFA president Sepp Blatter, Bangladeshi migrant worker Sumon Saha announced that he would like to be able to do the same thing and leave his job buildin…
Michael Sam becomes latest openly anglophone Montrealer
MONTREAL – A year after becoming the first openly gay football player to be drafted by the NFL, defensive end Michael Sam has become just the latest in a long line of public anglophones inh…
Babcock joins Leafs in bid to show league winning isn’t everything
TORONTO – Former Detroit Red Wings coach Mike Babcock has signed with the Toronto Maple Leafs to demonstrate there’s more to professional hockey than just winning and making the playoffs. “There …
Patients wanting to reduce wait times for organs encouraged to buy NHL franchises
TORONTO – Following Eugene Melynk’s successful liver surgery, doctors are encouraging patients waiting for lifesaving organ donations to consider purchasing an NHL team, preferably one that…
Habs mascot Youppi publicly executed for the 10th year in a row
MONTREAL – An angry mob of Montreal Canadiens fans have carried out its 10th extrajudicial hanging, burning and quartering of its fuzzy orange mascot, Youppi! Condemned as a bad-luck charm …
Kentucky Derby won by brown horsey
LOUISVILLE – The 2015 Kentucky Derby has been won by a handsome pony with a beautiful mane and soft, shiny coat. “It was magical,” said NBC analyst Randy Moss. “The horsey was so fast and f…
