TORONTO – A 68 year-old man suffering from pancreatic cancer has asked his adult children to purchase him the new iPhone 6 so he can cross ‘experiencing all of Apple’s new features…
Science and Technology
Kinky Canadian scientist can’t wait to be muzzled
TORONTO – While preemptively binding himself with rope, Dr. Saul Goldberg, a prominent ecologist and S&M aficionado, expressed his excitement at being completely muzzled and degraded by…
Friend’s sense of self-worth measured in ‘likes’
HAMILTON, ON – Local communications officer Amanda Pilith measures her value to society in terms of how many ‘likes’ she receives on Facebook posts for her random musings, attempts at witti…
Scientists discover new species of superintelligent pig is even tastier
VANCOUVER – Researchers at the University of British Columbia (UBC) have discovered that a newly-engineered species of pig with superhuman intelligence and empathy tastes ‘incredible’. “At …
New survey reveals people hate tedious questioning
VANCOUVER – A recent, municipal census regarding what shade of Beige citizens prefer for the Town Hall lobby, revealed that people are fed up with answering vexatious questionnaires. Deputy…
Sun Media unable to get Facebook satire tag removed from articles
TORONTO – Sun Media has reported difficulty in getting Facebook’s new ‘satire’ tag removed from their articles. “I just don’t understand what we’re doing wrong,” said columnist Joe Warmingt…
New app locates hottest nearby places to curl up and die
SAN FRANCISCO – Taking Silicon Valley by storm, the new smartphone app ‘Surrendster’ uses GPS technology to find the hippest nearby place for you to go, cough once or twice, and…
Erection pills made from last rhino don’t even work
TANZANIA – After poaching, despoiling and making pills out of the last living Black Rhinoceros in existence, local banker Dave Shen remains unable to maintain an erection. “What a waste,” s…
Alarming report suggests catastrophic climate change could alter purchasing habits
YOKOHAMA, JAPAN – An alarming new report suggests that the effects of catastrophic climate change could ultimately impact the way humans consume products and respond to advertising. “For ye…
Teenage planet’s life ruined by parent star
HORSEHEAD NEBULA, UNIVERSE – It was discovered today that in the alien solar system Kepler-47, a teenage planet is having it’s life ruined by its parent stars. The planet known as 47-B or &…
