HALIFAX – Following a stretch of above-average ocean temperatures and earlier-than-usual storm formation, meteorologists at Canada’s national weather service have officially updated the hur…
Maritimes
PEI Premier declares self Invincible God-King of the Maritimes just to get in the news
Dennistown, PEI – “Behold, I am the mighty son of Poseidon!” Premier Dennis King announced today. “And I shall rule the Maritimes for a thousand glorious years!” Staffers have informed the press …
Nova Scotia RCMP claim they’re not racist since they can’t protect white people either
DIGBY, NS – After being accused of racism for allowing white fishermen to destroy Indigenous lobster fisheries, the RCMP clarified that they can’t protect anyone regardless of race. “Whoa, …
“Somebody should call the police,” say NS RCMP officers watching van being torched
NEW EDINBURGH, NS – A group of RCMP officers watched helplessly as white lobster fisherman broke into an Indigenous fishery, vandalized property, and set fire to a van. Armed with semi-auto…
St. John’s residents give up shovelling, build a new city on top of the old one
ST JOHN’S – Early reports indicate that residents of St. John’s, Newfoundland have given up removing snow from roads, sidewalks, and roofs, and have started building a new provincial capita…
102 years after Halifax Explosion, Dartmouth still waiting for reconstruction
DARTMOUTH, NS – More than a century after a devastating explosion rocked Halifax and the surrounding area, one city is still waiting for relief: Dartmouth. The city of 65,000 survivors and …
Divided Canada: PEI separatist movement boasts second member
CHARLOTTETOWN – In yet another blow to Canada’s national unity, Dave Howard from Summerside, PEI has announced his support for PEI’s secession from Canada by joining the nearly non-existent…
Following Hurricane Dorian, Nova Scotians still unaware Dartmouth floated away
HALIFAX — In the wake of Hurricane Dorian, a category 2 storm that battered the Maritimes, locals have yet to notice that the entire city of Dartmouth has been washed out to sea. Officials …
Teeny-tiny party from itty-bitty province wins adorably miniature election
CHARLOTTETOWN – The tiniest of the teeny of political parties from the petite province of PEI has won the most adorably small election, reports indicate. The itty-bitty islanders placed the…
Autopsy confirms Paddy Murphy died of alcohol poisoning
ST JOHN’S – An autopsy of Patrick Murphy has confirmed that the local man died after a long night of binge drinking with his friends on George Street. “Every drink in the place was full the…