EVERETT, WA – The manufacturers of the inexplicably popular Funko Pop figures have announced that they have finally fixed the design flaw that allowed the dolls to suck the astral being out…
Business
Loblaws: “now we need to raise prices because of deflation or whatever”
TORONTO – After years of blaming inflation for raising prices on groceries, Canadian grocery chain behemoth Loblaws has announced that the current low interest rate environment will also re…
Loblaws launches for profit food bank
BRAMPTON – In response to continuing accusations of greed-flation and price gouging, Loblaws has announced the launch of a nationwide chain of for-profit food banks. “We’re sensitive to the…
WestJet debuts new slogan: “Air Canada, but somehow worse.”
CALGARY – WestJet has finally embraced its reputation as one of Canada’s most reviled airlines with the debut of its new company slogan: “Air Canada, but somehow worse.” The slogan was initially …
CBC execs explain why they deserve their bonuses
Despite “being forced” to lay off dozens of journalists this year, the CBC was able to afford paying $3.3 million to 45 executives, for an average of over $70,000.00 per person. We re…
Boeing offers stranded astronauts $200 voucher off next trip to space
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL – The pair of NASA astronauts stranded by mechanical failures on Boeing’s new Starliner spacecraft have been offered $200 in coupons from the company to be used on their next t…
Entire North American GDP just 26,000 Slack messages in a trench coat
OTTAWA – It was with a mix of embarrassment and concern that economists announced yesterday that almost the entire North American GDP, long thought to be a mature economy, is actually just …
Canadian oil companies bemoan regulations that keep them from being as evil as their US counterparts
OTTAWA – Canada’s top oil producers have issued a joint statement saying government overregulation is keeping the country’s oil industry from having the same negative output as their …
Loblaws introduces new “Bread Price-Fixing Settlement” fee to all customers
BRAMPTON, ON – Following news that Loblaws will settle a class-action bread price fixing suit for $500 million, the company has announced that all products sold in their stores will now car…
Video game exec just 10 layoffs away from unlocking “Decimated Industry” achievement
SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Prominent video game CEO Matt Richter has just announced he’s only 10 layoffs away from earning the coveted ‘Decimated Industry” game industry achievement. “To think I’m…