EDMONTON — Melissa Soares, frustrated with the sub-optimal aspects of her rabbit vibrator, has evicted it from her night-stand, exiling it to the Island of Misfit Sex Toys. “The gals on Sex and …
Apartment building named “Regency Landing” appoints Maintenance Viscount to fix leaking shitter pipes
VICTORIA — Proctor Properties Inc has recently appointed George William Sherston-Phipps Tollemache Montesquieu III of Roxborough as its Maintenance Viscount for the Regency Landing apartment buil…
YouTube announces it has radicalised its ten millionth child
SAN BRUNO, CA — Celebrations erupted today at YouTube’s headquarters, marking the major milestone of the video sharing site successfully radicalising its ten millionth child. “We couldn’t be prou…
Slide-whistle virtuoso longs to play Rachmaninoff instead of accompanying prank videos
TORONTO — Martin Peck, the world’s foremost slide-whistle virtuoso, expressed his frustration at only being hired to accompany prank videos. “The slide-whistle is my instrument and my art,” Peck …
French’s to release bottle of watery pre-mustard squirts
ROCHESTER, NY — Sandra Armbruster, head of marketing for French’s, announced the launch of its newest product, namely bottles filled with the watery squirts that blurp out when people first squee…
Spotify Premium now lets users remove a musician’s dinner from their stomach
STOCKHOLM — Spotify founder and CEO Daniel Ek called a press conference today to announce a new feature of the music streaming site’s premium subscription tier, namely the option for users to rem…
Former Spirit Halloween location haunted by cheap mass-produced ghosts
ST. CATHARINE’S — The customers at children’s store Kiddie Korner have been getting more than they bargained for this Halloween season in the form of dozens of bargain basement spectres. Th…
Hans Zimmer score added to video feed of colonoscopy
HAMILTON — Long known for their novel approach to the practice of medicine, the Hamilton Endoscopy Centre has made it a standard practice to add Hans Zimmer film score music to the video feed of …
Plants horrified to sit on bookshelf full of their dead processed cousins
SASKATOON — Local plants Natalie and William expressed their horror at having to reside on a structure surrounded by the corpses of their relatives, which have been dried, mulched, flattened, bou…
Sleep Country Canada admits there might be reasons to buy a mattress anywhere else
OAKVILLE, ONT – Christine Magee, co-founder and president of Sleep Country Canada, has admitted she no longer agrees with the implied answer to her company’s jingle. “Since the beginning Sleep C…