Victoria, BC – After five years of fruitlessly investigating minor drug crimes at a local high school, sources have confirmed that undercover RCMP officer Frank ‘Frankie’ DeRosa…
Neutral Samaritan takes note of mugging
WINDSOR, ON- An armed mugging was dramatically not foiled last night by local neutral Samaritan Kyle Gierst. Gierst, who witnessed the incident from across the street, took complete notice, and o…
Non-eccentric billionaire swims in pool filled with water
WINNIPEG, MB- Mundane tycoon Nigel Arkridge is taking a dip in an oval-shaped swimming pool filled with water instead of coins or gemstones. “Nigel is a bit of a non-weirdo to be honest.” Said Ar…
Narcoleptic mom gets breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed
Collingwood, ON- Local woman Natalie Worsh is getting breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed for Mother’s day this year, all thanks to her neurological disorder that causes her to fall asleep withou…
Doug Ford vows to fire entire board of Hydro One if elected to board of Hydro One
TORONTO – Ontario PC leader Doug Ford has vowed to fire the CEO and board of Hydro One, once he wins the Hydro One board of directors election he assumes is happening soon. “It has been bro…
REPORT: Roommate actually does have job
TORONTO, ON- A new study finds that your roommate Tad actually does leave the house sometimes, and that he does, in fact, sometimes leave the house to go to work. “Not that it’s any business of y…
Female greenhouse employee breaks glass ceiling, immediately fired
MARKHAM, ON- A local greenhouse has had both its gender barrier and several safety regulations broken today, as longtime employee Nora Molsen did what was said could never be done by a woman; sha…
Local man unknowingly driving spirit animal extinct
VANCOUVER, BC- Sources confirm local man Greg Lommens continues to contribute to the endangerment of his spirit animal, the loggerhead turtle. “I was stoked when that quiz from Buzzfeed told me m…
Amazing! This candy syringe tastes just like real glass!
WINDSOR, ON- Move over, spicy lollipop, there’s a new prank candy in town! Available in individually wrapped packages at the drugstore, these syringes have a glass-like taste that is so accurate,…
Experts warn against participating in #asbestoschallenge
OTTAWA, ON- Following a recent survey of medical research, a panel of scientists have discovered that the ‘asbestos challenge’ currently trending on social media is not the harmless f…
