QUEEN’S PARK – In a bid to provide economic relief to struggling Ontarians, Premier Doug Ford has ordered the LCBO to return to providing customers free paper bags – a move that…
In honour of Mulroney, national funeral to be privatized
MONTREAL – In a show of respect to one of Brian Mulroney’s most cherished governing principles as prime minister, his funeral will be privatized. During his nine years as prime minister, Br…
Five people you hope are not on the Epstein list
NEW YORK CITY – Court documents from Ghislaine Maxwell’s case have been unsealed and reporters are poring through them to see who among the rich and famous will be revealed to have consorte…
Pretending to be flight attendant closest Poilievre has been to having a real job
QUEBEC CITY – Career politician Pierre Poilievre, excited a handful of members of a captive audience with an impromptu in-flight announcement as though he were a member of the flight crew, …
Frustrated facial recognition program has foot fetish
CUPERTINO, CA – Computer scientists were stunned this week when they discovered that the Apple facial recognition program running on your iPhone lives a life of unrequited desire because it…
F150 drivers pleased to learn electric version even deadlier to pedestrians
CALGARY – Ford F150 pickup drivers across Canada were pleased and relieved to learn that the electric version of the vehicle is even better at annihilating unsuspecting pedestrians than the…
Québec reluctantly turns power back on for immigrants and Anglos
MONTREAL – After a million households lost electricity last week due the second once-in-a-lifetime ice storm most Quebeckers have faced in their lifetimes, Hydro Québec is reluctantly turni…
Quebec outraged that anti-Islamophobia representative is able to identify Islamophobic law
QUEBEC – The Quebec government demanded that the federal government withdraw its support of Amira Elghawaby, the new representative to combat Islamophobia, because of her willingness to ide…
Second Passion of the Christ movie lays groundwork for expansion of the JCU
HOLLYWOOD – Almost 20 years after the first movie became a huge hit, a sequel to The Passion of the Christ has been announced, setting the stage for a massive expansion of the Jesus Christ …
Tim Hortons somehow more reputable than Hockey Canada
TORONTO – The nation was stunned and confused this week after the actions taken by two pillars of Canadian society resulted in the disorienting feeling that Tim Hortons is now a more reputa…
