WEST VIRGINIA- In a time when most states are struggling with low mortality rates, West Virginia Governor and local boyboss Jim Justice (R) is offering state residents a chance to win guns if the…
Burger King invokes prima nocta
MIAMI, FL – In a stunning turn of events late yesterday, his Royal Highness the Burger King publicly announced his invocation of the ancient doctrine of prima nocta. For the uninitiated, pr…
Local woman divorces work husband amidst emotional affair with regular husband
VICTORIA, BC – Disaster has struck at Wellington Insurance Company, where accounts manager Alexis Long has commenced divorce proceedings against her work husband Jason Thomson after reveali…
RETRO ATTACK! Jordan Peterson is back after someone mistakenly fed him after midnight
Everything old is new! Author, professor, and father figure for adult men who still wet the bed and then refuse to shower afterwards because “urine is sterile”, Jordan Peterson is back in the pub…
Local woman faces Sophie’s Choice between having secure mental health and having an orgasm
TORONTO – In a world where the only thing louder than the shrieking climax of pharmaceutical capitalism is the suffocating endemic of mental illness, one woman has to make the decision of a…
Prince Philip named Sexiest Man Kinda Alive
LONDON- Hot on the heels of Prince William’s recognition as the World’s Sexiest Bald Man, The Duke of Edinburgh Prince Philip was recently named the Sexiest Man Kinda Alive. In the poll conducted…
Quiz: Was seeing Jean Chretien choke a guy your sexual awakening or are you normal?
While most young people experience sexual awakenings as a result of cute movie stars, attractive musicians, or even neighbourhood hotties, a population of Canadians were lucky enough to have Jean…
Heartbreaking: this hot guy was only texting with you because he needs clean piss
Local woman Jessica Long fell under the spell of a hot young man, Ryan (last name unknown) in the summer, immediately taken with his every reply and Finger 11 song recommendations. Jessica quickl…
Confused John Tory searches for videos that live in people’s heads rent free so he can evict them
TORONTO – Mayor, lawyer, and new TikTok user John Tory is just learning about the trending topic of videos that “live in one’s head rent-free” but he’s taking action – Tory is hoping …
Wanna feel old? Your childhood dog is dead and everything you care about is meaningless
Hey Millennials! Isn’t McDonalds still selling pizza? Aren’t acid washed jeans still in style? Aren’t we all enjoying life in its simple banality? Sorry fam, but the bogus truth is that time cont…