MONCTON – Admitting he was woefully underqualified for the assignment, newly born child Noah Wentworth has so far failed to save the marriage of his parents, Liam and Emma. “Oh boy, no way …
99-year-old college graduate moves back in with parents
OAKLAND – Lorraine Fuller, a 99-year-old woman who just graduated college plans to move her things into her parent’s basement immediately. “Living with mom and dad is kind of my only option right…
Canada changes official lyrics to O Canada to include line ‘Fuck you, the Tenors’
OTTAWA – Following a controversial performance by The Tenors at the MLB All-Star Game, in which singer Remigio Pereira inserted the phrase “All Lives Matter” into the Canadian national anth…
Picnic ruined by being outside
THUNDER BAY — After three gruelling hours of tolerating such things as weather and plants, every member of the Terrence family has stated that their attempt at a picnic was ruined by the choice t…
Financial capital of Canada pauses so streetcar driver can move tracks with big stick
TORONTO – The largest economic power in the nation came to a grinding halt this morning as Eddie, the streetcar operator, struggled to properly move the Dundas streetcar tracks using his la…
Crosby voted NHL’s most valuable non-rapist
LAS VEGAS – At the National Hockey League’s star-studded event last night, Penguins captain and Stanley Cup champion Sidney Crosby was awarded the Harold Ballard Award, given annually to th…
Marvel unveils new Asian superhero: ‘Foreign Investor’
LOS ANGELES – Responding to backlash from fans for their lack of Asian characters, Marvel Studios has created a Chinese superhero, Foreign Investor, who will star in his own solo film. “This will…
ISIS releases kill list, accompanied by fuck, marry lists
OTTAWA – According to intelligence agencies, terror organization ISIS has released a list of 151 Canadians they want killed, along with two separate lists of people they want to fuck and ma…
Teenager trying to fuck your daughter ‘pleased to meet you, sir’
MEDICINE HAT, ALBERTA – Reports from inside the family room report that Tyler Johnson, the 16 year old just dying to bang your baby girl, is very happy to meet you. “Thank you for having me…
Trudeau’s attempt to start Parliamentary Fight Club backfires
OTTAWA – Justin Trudeau admitted this morning that yesterday’s effort to finally get the House of Commons Fight Club started was a poor choice on his part. “I just thought that at the end o…
