TORONTO – The Metro Toronto Zoo announced Monday that they had received two Chinese inmates to carry out a 5 year sentence as part of an exchange program with the government of China. The c…
Mayor Ford unveils bold new double vision for Toronto
TORONTO – Hoping to build momentum and political capital in the new year, Mayor Rob Ford recently unveiled his new double vision plan for the city. “We’re gonna totally end this fucking gravy tra…
15-page paper apparently the only thing in local student’s life
TORONTO – Recent reports from concerned friends and family have confirmed that the entirety of UofT student Kelly Statler’s existence is evidently now being taken up by a 15-page paper on s…
Ya, you should probably start getting really afraid of Sinkholes
By a Sinkhole Hey my man, I know you’ve been worrying about a lot of things lately – sharks, parasites you can only get in countries you will never visit, and the specific contents of…
Dozens dead after rotten green meat mistaken for St. Patrick’s Day special
ST. CATHERINE’S, ON – Well over 20 people were reported dead last night, with countless more hospitalized, after the rancid, green meat served at O’Malley’s Irish Bar and Grill was mistaken…
Minister of Public Safety trumps progress of Aboriginals in prison basketball league
THUNDER BAY, ON – In the wake of reports that Aboriginals make up a disturbingly high percentage of prison inmates in Canada, Minister of Public Safety Vic Toews argued strongly that the Ab…
Oscar Pistorius historically overcomes all physical and moral limitations
JOHANNESBURG – Only months removed from shattering the world’s perception of physically handicapped athletes and their abilities at the London 2012 Olympic Games, Oscar Pistorius, aka The B…
Old black man doesn’t know as much about Jazz as hoped
STRATFORD, ON – Local graphic designer Stephen Sinclair entered Tully’s Coffee Shop on Thursday afternoon and was delighted to encounter Luther Griffin Jr., an 83 year old black man i…
Man, who would have thought me playing Abraham Lincoln would have generated all this awards talk?
By Daniel Day-Lewis I have just been told that my performance as Abraham Lincoln, 16th president of the United States of America, has been and will continue to be receiving a number of awards fro…
