TORONTO – Ontario premier Kathleen Wynne announced Thursday that the government would be moving immediately to raise the province’s minimum wage to $11.00 an hour, in an effort to properly …
Putin hires Cossacks to protect Sochi from terrorists, Prussians
Sochi, Russia – Following a number of high profile security threats, Russian President Vladimir Putin has retained the services of hundreds of Cossacks, once the fabled horse-backed soldier…
New study finds that studies are very important
OTTAWA – A new study by the recently defunded Carleton University research institute has concluded that studies are very useful and should be commissioned much more often. “Our resear…
‘Fine, don’t get the flu shot. See what I care,’ declare nation’s doctors
OTTAWA – The Canadian Medical Association released a statement earlier today informing Canadians that it no longer cares if you get the flu shot, or what diseases you contract, even though…
Freezing death of homeless man welcome news for global warming deniers
Timmins, ON — While temperatures across much of the country have plummeted, causing the death of a number of elderly and homeless individuals, including local man James Russell, cold weathe…
Shawn Thornton suspended for punching guy in face differently than he was supposed to
BOSTON – Boston Bruins enforcer Shawn Thornton was suspended for 15 games after a brutal attack in which he repeatedly struck Penguins defenceman Brooks Orpik in the face with his fist in a…
Jewish coworker given menorah for Secret Santa
LONDON, ON – During the office’s yearly exchange of Secret Santa gifts, Daniel Cohen, a Jewish HR manager, received one small menorah from associate-VP of marketing, Karen Welsh. “Well isn…
Man that survived three days in boat air-pocket can’t adjust to non-air-pocket life
LAGOS – Months after being rescued from an air-pocket in an Atlantic shipwreck, Nigerian cook Harrison Odjegba Okene has decided that he’s not cut out for life on the “outside” anymore. “Th…
Local couple saving to afford dream divorce
AURORA, ON – After two kids and 15 years of marriage, Pam and John Harris have begun saving up to afford the best divorce proceedings money can buy. “This is a real priority for both of us,…
Canadian math teachers can’t calculate why math scores are dropping
OTTAWA – a recent international survey of mathematical performance by the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD) has concluded that Canada’s students are only t…
