WATERLOO, ON – Responding to numerous patron complaints, the staff of the Empire Theatres Waterloo reportedly removed famed Canadian astronaut Chris Hadfield after he would not stop heckling a sc…
Doctor Who fans celebrate release of long lost unwatchable episodes
Following the discovery of several 1960’s era Doctor Who tapes previously thought destroyed, Who fans are eagerly awaiting the release of the dated and plodding episodes that will undoubtedly be …
Harper proclaims prorogation, then lazily commands Governor General to dance
OTTAWA – From atop his gilded throne, ensconced in the the resplendent halls of Parliament Hill, Prime Minister Harper today sought his third prorogation since assuming office, before nonch…
BREAKING: Deep-fried-croissant bacon cheeseburger made by carney is bad for you
TORONTO – Following 12 cases of food poisoning linked to the “cronut burger,” the department of Public Health has shut down the Canadian National Exhibition stand and has warned customers t…
Chris Brown quits music industry to escape abusive relationship with media
LOS ANGELES – R&B singer Chris Brown has announced that, following the release of his album “X”, he will retire from the music industry after facing what he described as a “steady, unre…
BREAKING: Trayvon Martin found guilty in murder of Trayvon Martin
SANFORD, FL – After deliberating for more than 16 hours, a jury on Saturday evening found George Zimmerman not guilty in the shooting death of Trayvon Martin, opting instead to find the una…
Retired Vic Toews: ‘If my Swiss Chalet’s not here in 30 minutes, you stand with child pornographers’
STEINBACH, MB – Upon announcing his retirement from the House of Commons, Vic Toews has instituted a “tough on crime” crackdown of his day-to-day affairs, beginning with his local Swiss Cha…
Concertgoers stunned as rock band returns to stage following curtain call and resumes playing
CLEVELAND – Following a 2-hour show by indie rock group Afterglow Green, local concertgoers were absolutely dumbfounded as the musicians returned to the stage and played new, additional son…
NSA Thinks You Should E-Mail Your Mother More Often
WASHINGTON – Following the disclosure of their secret surveillance program, PRISM, sources inside the NSA have expressed concern that you’re not e-mailing your mother enough. “Your mother s…
