OTTAWA — This weekend mobile phone users across Canada received unsolicited text messages from Conservative leader Andrew Scheer, featuring pictures that he described as his “huge, thick pi…
Trudeau distracts from SNC-Lavalin scandal with impromptu ‘Comedy Roast of Indigenous Protesters’
TORONTO — While getting heckled during a Liberal Party fundraiser, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau elected to turn the event into a spontaneous “Comedy Roast of Indigenous Protesters” i…
Actor Luke Perry dies at age – what? 52 years old? That can’t be right
HOLLYWOOD — Following a sudden stroke, beloved actor Luke Perry has died in hospital at the age of, huh, 52, okay there is no damn way that Dylan McKay was 52 years old. Known worldwide for…
Trudeau asks Wilson-Raybould if she could take blame for a few other scandals on way out the door
OTTAWA — As Jody Wilson-Raybould resigned from cabinet in the wake of the growing SNC-Lavalin scandal, Prime Minister Trudeau reportedly asked if she’d mind acting as scapegoat for a handfu…
Man who has consumed every Fyre Fest documentary and podcast now kinda wants to go to Fyre Fest
WINNIPEG — After watching both new documentaries about the infamous Fyre Fest, as well as copious other reporting, local barista Geoff Markson now wishes he could attend the disastrous musi…
Panicked uncle handles sleeping baby like old-timey crate of nitroglycerin
Woodstock, NB – Local uncle Grant Newsten, 32, has been reported by witnesses to be handling his newborn niece, Amelia Newsten, as if she is a rickety and highly explosive crate of long-aba…
Trudeau promises “best ever” reconciliation speech after RCMP break down Indigenous barricade for pipeline
HOUSTON, B.C. — As the RCMP arrested 14 people at the Gidimt’en camp, which is blocking access for pipeline construction, Prime Minister Trudeau pledged that his reconciliation speech…
Newfoundland finally admits mummers just their version of The Purge
ST. JOHN’S – This week the people of Newfoundland held a press conference to confirm longstanding suspicions that their Christmas tradition of mummering, where residents disguise themselves…
“Grassroots” Ontario Proud group revealed to be 3 corporations in a trenchcoat
TORONTO — Despite claiming to be a user-funded organization in the 2018 election, the political action group Ontario Proud has been revealed to be 3 development firms standing on each other…
St. Michael’s faculty, parents insist they’ve had a long talk with students about properly covering up hazing
TORONTO — Following a police investigation into graphic reports of sexual assault among the students at St. Michael’s private Catholic boys school, the faculty as well as some parents…
