BUTNER, NC – Representatives for Bernie Madoff, orchestrator of the largest Ponzi scheme in history, have confirmed the financial fraudster has died in prison after failing to recruit 3 peo…
Ford introduces “stay at home unless you’re sick and can’t get rid of your shift” order
TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford is expected to announce a province-wide stay-at-home order today, which will require everyone to remain at home unless they’re sick but cannot find anyon…
Local woman makes suspiciously late “Happy Quarantine-aversary!” post
TORONTO – Local influencer Meghan Freling made a pandemic anniversary post earlier this week on her popular instagram account, prompting friends and followers to ask whether it’s a bit late…
REPORT: Bed is now office
VANCOUVER – After working from home for the past year, local research assistant Sara Burton announced the results of her independent study confirming once and for all that bed is now office…
2020 first year two women good at directing
HOLLYWOOD – The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has announced this year’s Oscar nominations, including the surprise announcement that, for the first time in history, two women w…
EDITORIAL: Antifa spoiled my crops, soured my dairy cows, and fucked my wife
by Mr. Delaware Jackson of Branson, Missouri As a farmer and an American, I’ve had it just about up to here with Antifa attacking my way of life! Before Antifa, everything was perfect: my dairy c…
Burger King attempts to topple British Royal Family as most regressive monarchy
MIAMI, FL – Following the tell-all Oprah interview with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, fast food royalty Burger King tweeted “Women belong in the kitchen” in an attempt to overtake the Bri…
Trudeau promises better vaccine rollout next pandemic
OTTAWA – In a statement earlier this week, Prime Minister Trudeau announced he is excited to offer the public an organized, efficient, and clearly communicated vaccine rollout first thing n…
HBO ready to offer up another Game of Thrones prequel, you sick fucks
LOS ANGELES, CA – HBO reportedly has another Game of Thrones prequel series in development, which they are really hoping is what you fucking people want. Based on George R.R. Martin’s more …
Local waiter can’t wait to be killed by his favourite NHL Player
TORONTO – With the NHL’s all-Canadian North Division being given permission to dine indoors in certain Ontario restaurants, local Mack Blastor’s server Tom Kramer says he is thrilled …
