OTTAWA – In a statement earlier this week, Prime Minister Trudeau announced he is excited to offer the public an organized, efficient, and clearly communicated vaccine rollout first thing next pandemic.
“Sometimes you gotta look at yourself in the mirror and admit you didn’t bring your A game this vaccine,” said Trudeau, sporting his finest regret beard yet. “But then you go to sleep, wake up next pandemic, and try to do better.”
“They say the best time to roll out a vaccine is during the current pandemic. But the second best time is during the inevitable next pandemic,” Trudeau added.
The Liberal party has reportedly embraced Trudeau’s philosophy of optimism and second chances, changing their official motto to “Get ‘em next time, champ!”
The federal government has announced an investment of billions of dollars in vaccine production centres from Bombardier for the next pandemic. They maintain these can’t be used for the current vaccine rollout because “if we use them now, then they’re in use, and they won’t be ready to use if we suddenly need them.”
Health officials have begun speculating on what the next pandemic will be, with suggestions ranging from super measles to “something like what happens to Jeff Goldblum in The Fly“. Epidemiologist Dr. Richard McTavish is hoping for a lighter pandemic next time. “Like the dancing plague of 1518 – y’know, something fun for the kids,” said Dr. McTavish.
Trudeau has admitted critiques of his vaccine rollout, while warranted, were hurtful. “Everyone’s fixating on my mistakes,” he lamented. “I’m trying to move on and focus on the politician I want to become, rather than the politician I still am.”
“This may be my first pandemic, but it won’t be my last. It’ll be some people’s last, but not mine,” Trudeau mused, while setting up his pandemic vision board consisting entirely of New Zealand postcards. “Your first pandemic is really just a practice run, anyways.”
Shortly after the Prime Minister’s statement was released, Ontario premier Doug Ford was asked if he’s sitting on billions in emergency funds because he’s also planning for the next pandemic, to which he replied, “Yeah, sure, let’s go with that.”
