EDITORIAL: Antifa spoiled my crops, soured my dairy cows, and fucked my wife - The Beaverton

EDITORIAL: Antifa spoiled my crops, soured my dairy cows, and fucked my wife

by Mr. Delaware Jackson of Branson, Missouri

As a farmer and an American, I’ve had it just about up to here with attacking my way of life! Before Antifa, everything was perfect: my dairy cows were thriving, my freedom was as free as an undomesticated bald eagle, and I’d make love to my wife on Sundays after football got me riled up. But since Antifa started popping up on the news, my life’s been getting worse in huge, systemic ways. Can’t be a coincidence!

First things first – my crops! While Antifa soldiers were protesting big corporations who apparently “pollute” our “environment” to an “irreversible degree,” my crops were spoiled by unseasonably warm, stormy weather! Why don’t you protest that, Antifa? Still, my hearty and masculine crops would’ve survived those three hurricanes had the Antifa mafia not chemtrail’d them while my back was turned. The proof is in the clouds!

Second things second! Last Tuesday, the evening news did a story about how Big Antifa is in league with Big Socialism. Since then, my cows give me nothing but sour milk! Suspicious, considering around the same time I put up “Antifa Go Home!” signs all over town – hung up so many, I plum forgot to clean our milking equipment. This is the cruelty of Antifa, giving my cows udder infections as revenge for my clever and plentiful signs.

Last things third – my poor, dear wife Martha. She’s grown so distant since Antifa was invented in 2017. She’s been voting, protesting the government, and wearing pants! She hasn’t even touched her copy of The Fountainhead, the one and only birthday gift I’ve ever given her. These are the effects of some Antifa wizard who’s bewitched her with dark, sexual magic.

I suspect she’s receiving confidential messages straight from Antifa HQ. She’s always grabbing something from her night table and sneaking it off to the bathroom, where she’ll stay for almost an hour making enthusiastic reading sounds.

Also – last week, I got heat rash! Antifa did that.

If left unchecked, I can guarantee Antifa will personally murder you and everyone you love – except your wives, who they will make efficient communist love to.

To the leader of Antifa, whoever you are, why can’t your members do something useful like our brave WWII veterans who signed up to fight the Nazis?