OAKVILLE, ONTARIO ― Canadian meteorology channel The Weather Network announced today that it will soon be transitioning to a record-based method of reporting daily temperatures. Come September, t…
Time-travelling Bible author horrified to discover people took his fantasy novel literally
MORRIS, MB ― A disruption occurred at a local library last week, caused by a man who claimed to be the author of the Book of Genesis. Patrons of the library reported discovering him poring over a…
Exasperated nerds threaten to talk about history of Suriname until hockey fans shut up
OTTAWA ― With the Stanley Cup Finals underway, the Canadian Civil Organization of Nerds (CanCON) has warned that the usual non-stop talk about the NHL will be met with swift retaliation this year…
Local 12th-grader excited to spend gap year backpacking around house
QUINTE WEST, ON — Local 17-year-old Hunter Ryan is finalizing plans for his long-anticipated one-year backpacking tour of his parents’ house. “It’s gonna be an awesome chance to spread my w…
Chaos in streets after all traffic lights turned green for St. Patrick’s Day
TORONTO – Several multi-car pile-ups and other severe crashes are being reported at nearly every major intersection in Toronto, after the city set all the traffic lights to remain green in …
COVID-19 variants eager to represent their countries at the Tokyo Olympics
TOKYO, JAPAN ― Variants of SARS-COV-2 hailing from countries around the world are gearing up for the 2021 Summer Olympics. “Man, I hope they don’t postpone the Olympics again,” commented the Sout…
Poll finds 100% of liberal voters would vote NDP if they thought it had a chance at winning
TORONTO ― An Ipsos poll released today found that 100% of voters who identified themselves as having voted Liberal in the last federal election had strategically voted that way. Of the 2400 parti…
Two dead after argument over oxford comma turns violent
Kelvington, SK – A rural community is grieving the loss of two residents after an argument at a local bar Sunday over the Oxford comma escalated into fatal violence. 42-year-old Graham King…
Desperate Trump announces only people with evidence of voter fraud will be vaccinated
WASHINGTON, D.C. ― In a series of tweets, Donald Trump announced today that any American who wanted to receive a COVID-19 vaccine would have to first provide proof of voter fraud. “Thanks to Your…
