ROMANIA — Former kickboxer and famously small-penised man, Andrew Tate, somehow managed to take the time out of his busy schedule of trolling teenage girls on the internet to fuck himself, …
Doug Ford declares Monday September 19th “Cry At Your Desk Day”
TORONTO — After Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced yesterday that September 19th would be a nationwide holiday to commemorate the death of Queen Elizabeth II, Ontario Premier Doug Ford…
Ontario to replace five-day Covid isolation period with pinky swear that you’re not still contagious
TORONTO – Ontario’s top doctor Dr. Kieran Moore stated in a press conference yesterday that, given the understanding that Covid cases will rise significantly in the fall with the cold weath…
Game of Thrones prequel swears it’s changed, baby, won’t break your heart again
HOLLYWOOD — House of the Dragon, a new Game of Thrones prequel, has recently been spotted outside the windows of former fans of the epic fantasy series, holding a sign that said “I swear I’…
Feminist Win! Supreme Court abortion draft validates what women have been screaming about for years
WASHINGTON D.C. — After a draft opinion was leaked from the Supreme Court yesterday stating the Court’s intention to overturn Roe v. Wade, feminists across the country celebrated finally be…
Ukrainian President achieves incredible feat of making being a comedian look cool
KYIV — After bravely turning down an evacuation offer from the U.S. in order to fight for his country’s freedom and quickly gaining a reputation as a defiant, inspiring leader, former comic…
O’Toole to meet with truckers, ask their advice on how to intimidate Trudeau
OTTAWA – As a convoy of truckers heads toward Ottawa to protest vaccine mandates in their industry, with some of them calling for the dissolution of the government itself, Conservative Lead…
Study: Casually mentioning terrifying health scare two months later is parents’ favourite form of entertainment
TORONTO — A landmark study conducted by researchers at the University of Toronto has revealed that your parents’ most cherished activity is telling you about horrifying health scares months after…
Inclusivity Win! The green M&M is getting an abortion
VIRGINIA – Mars, Incorporated, the company behind M&Ms, announced yesterday that it would be making a concerted effort to make its popular colourful candy more globally relatable and in…
Breaking: Ontario teachers intentionally strand themselves in snowbanks for chance to actually speak with Doug Ford
ETOBICOKE — After reports surfaced that Doug Ford was spending Toronto’s first major blizzard of the year driving around helping drivers stranded by snow in his district, school teachers fr…