EDMONTON — Local historians say a quaint suburban playground from the early 1980s is responsible for more deaths than infamous American serial killer and cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer.
The un-named playground located in Edmonton’s Parkallen neighbourhood appears to have been overlooked by efforts to update city play structures to modern safety standards. According to one mother at the site, “Sure, it’s old, but we love the retro style. It’s perfect for anyone who doesn’t mind their kids landing directly on cement.”
The playground exhibits many classic features of early-1980s playground design: a perilously tall steel slide, long-chain swings positioned to arc into the path of as many other children as possible, and a merry-go-round capable of reaching centrifugal speeds. But the most popular structure is the see-saw, consisting of only a long board and central pivot, making it crude but effective catapult.
City historian Jill Sato combed through decades of newspaper articles and coroner’s reports to piece together the playground’s grim story. “The swings alone have racked up six kills. That’s more than Jack the Ripper. The slide has taken out seven, including a couple of drunk dads. That’s as many as Aileen Wuornos. Toss the rest of the equipment and Dahmer’s seventeen murders are looking like rookie numbers.”
Despite the playground’s legacy of death, some residents remain unconcerned. “I think the danger is totally exaggerated. Back in my day, we played in playgrounds like this every day, and we turned out fine,” said Jennifer Johnson, 55, who is blind in one eye due to a childhood lawn dart incident.
But Sato stressed the danger is real. “Sure, this playground is a beloved time capsule of a bygone era. But it’s also a collection of highly efficient skull accelerators. If I had to choose between my kids spending an hour at this playground or with a serial killer, I’d pick the serial killer every time.”
City Parks manager Adrian Lee said it’s important to put the playground deaths into perspective. “Yes, a lot of kids have died at the playground. But on the other hand, a lot more kids were only injured.”
Lee also stressed that, unlike Jeffrey Dahmer, there is so far no evidence that the playground ate any of its victims.
